RUTGERS
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band begins its 50th season with a long, hard look at the new Princeton.
An inevitable outcome of coeducation is the presence of the women's
liberation movement.
Frustrated by the fact that women and men are not created equal, the
new feminists are demanding equal opportunity in employment and
access to various top positions.
Saluting complete equality, the Band wonders whether women's lib has
considered the logical extension of its philosophy.
(Band forms two horizontal lines)
With coeds spreading all over campus,
dormitories have become overcrowded,
and incoming freshmen, who used to look forward to a year in
prestigious Brown Hall, have found the infamous residence still under
construction.
Forming a topless dormitory, we invite you to attend the first true
freshmen open house.
(Band forms a topless dorm -- a three sided square)
In order to facilitate the entry of Princeton students on the campus,
the Food and Dormitory Service cleaned out all the storage boxes
out of formerly occupied rooms, charging $10.00 for the service.
Many students returned, however, to find their boxes had been lost.
Getting to the Root of the problem, the Band forms a missing box
on the field, and overhears a frustrated undergraduate lamenting
(Band forms box)
Noting that some things never change, recognition is unquestionably due
to Walker Gordon's udderly disgusting scent.
Forming some dairy air on the field, the Band bows now to the brown
cows of Walker Gordon with
(Band forms blob)
COLUMBIA
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at current abuses.
A recent source of consternation on university campuses across the
country is the suspicion that some students just might be using
marijuana.
Informed sources report, however, that the difficulties in obtaining
this magic weed, as well as the continual danger of a bust, have forced
many users to seek other kinds of highs.
Forming
- a)
- a potted plant,
- b)
- planted pot, or
- c)
- another kind of high,
the Band overhears a perplexed student wondering
(Band forms a flowerpot)
Speaking of busts, the Band salutes the new dangerous-drug, anti-crime
bill.
Under its provisions, the Attorney General can authorize a search of
homes for exploratory purposes.
Forming a forced entry on the field,
the Band overhears the Attorney General instructing his men to just
(Band forms 'KEY')
The Band now turns to the garment and hose industries, where
manufacturers have gone to great lengths to conceal the obvious.
By skirting the real issues, the midi fashions are an attempt
to pull profits up while dropping hemlines down -- thus pulling
the wool over consumers' eyes.
Forming a rising interest rate, the band forsees future hemlines going
(Band forms a square containing a plot of a rising interest rate)
Finally, in its 50th season, the Band turns to a
serious note and salutes its founder Arthur H. Osborn of the
Class of 1907.
A noted song writer, Mr. Osborn founded the band in 1920.
We now play one of Mr. Osborn's favorite songs.
(Band forms 'AHO')
COLGATE
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band invites the parents of the Class of '74 to take a long, hard look at The Daily Princetonian.
We turn first to 48 University Place, home of The Gaily
Prints-Anything, the campus' higher priced spread.
The Band notes that the editors this year are continuing their policy
of sticking their news into other people's private affairs
by publishing the names of students admitted during Freshman Week; the
tradition was begun last year by printing the names of Bicker rejects.
Forming
- a)
- a two-page layout, or
- b)
- all the screws the Prince can fit,
we overhear the editors planning the next issue of the Tiger Rag.
(Band forms square with a line down the center)
The Band would like to point out to Freshman parents that the price of
subscribing to the Prince has risen sharply in the last
year, depsite the fact that articles are gettting fewer and further
between the larger and larger ads.
Parents will also be impressed by the relevance of Prince
articles to general campus life: grad school mixers, old houses
in the town of Princeton and the aerodynamics of Frisbee flying.
As the Band forms
- a)
- a scoop for scandal, or
- b)
- a coffee spoon,
we offer a suggestion for future news articles.
Speaking of irregularity, for those who are distressed about
irregularities in the size of the Prince, friends and
enemies alike will be relieved to know that future issues will come
in full 1000-sheet rolls.
Forming
- a)
- a floral pattern
- b)
- a news release, or
- c)
- a pruned down issue,
(Band forms a blob)
Turning to the editorial pages, (which are easy enough to find),
the Band commends the Prince's editors for their pointed
criticism of campus individuals and organizations, and for their good
taste in exposising hard truths, mixed with their usual libelous insults.
Forming
- a)
- a masthead
- b)
- the Prince staff
- c)
- hard truths, or
- d)
- their one good point,
the Band steps out of tradition and offers an appropriate gesture to the spirit of yellow journalism.
(Band forms '1')
CORNELL
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to inform you that the Cornell Band will not appear today. It's Harvest Time in Ithaca. We now take a long, hard look at the Best of the Band.
We first look back to the days before coeducation and turn our attention
to a nearby choir college.
We remind Princeton Charlie of the school's motto,
"Yours for a song."
Forming a pliable social alternative, we suggest to
Princeton Charlie that
(Band forms a blob)
We next turn to Capital Hill and recall our annual Spiro T. Agnew
joke, and look in on our beloved Vice-President.
We note that an issue of
The New York Times reported Mr. Agnew as saying, quote,
"that the moratorium was run by an effete corps of impudent snobs who
characterize themselves as intellectuals."
Forming either a) a feet in the mouth, or b) a slip of the lip, we pay
tribute to our esteemed representative.
(Band forms 'OOPS')
Speaking of meatpacking, the Band observes that Wall Street
secretaries have been shaking the very foundations of the
financial world by shunning the traditional brassiere.
By provoking a rising interest rate, this practice has understandably
contributed to a bear market.
Noting that the businessman has always favored fewer restraints, we
form a 'laissez-faire economy' and salute him and
his newly-liberated secretary.
(Band forms a blob)
We now turn to the Bottom of the Big 3, and recall the time when
Yale and Vassar were considering their unsuccessfull merger.
Never before has an entire school been shot down, although we can
certainly understand why.
Forming either
- a)
- the symbol of that well-known girls' school, or
- b)
- the first letter in Vassar, or
- c)
- a Y that has no tail,
we overhear Virginia Vassar resolving her problem.
(Band forms a 'V')
Speaking of the Bottom section of the Big 3, we turn to a
literary show done at Harvard last year.
We noted in the motion picture, "Goodbye Columbus," Ali McGraw
plays a Radcliffe girl who, understandably, turns away from the
Harvard social scene in order to date a librarian from the Bronx.
Forming a library carrol on the field, we wonder what she could
possibly get from a Bronx librarian that she could not get from
a Harvard man.
(Band forms 'NOOK')
And finally, a Best of the Band show would not be complete without a
quick, hard look at Cornell.
First the Band salutes Cornell's second flowering of female
cheerleaders, recalling that last year, when asked by
The Daily Sun
if the girls would help, Coach Musick replied,
"Only if they are 6'2", 195 lbs., and can catch passes."
But as everyone knows, Cornell girls cannot catch passes.
(Band forms barbells)
The Band also salutes the only male student in Cornell's
school of Home Economics, realizing that he's the only guy
on campus who can eat his cake and make it too.
Observing a) cooked goose, b) vise versa, we look into the
kitchen to see how things are.
(Band forms a blob)
PENN & BROWN
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, in view of the upcoming elections we ask you to join the Princeton University Band in a long, hard look at politics.
The Band first salutes the moral leadership of the Senate in rejecting
the report of the Commission on Pornography.
The Band notes that our legislators evidently feel that they have the
situation well in hand in their rigid opposition to the permissive
sexual attitudes spreading throughout the country.
This opposition lately has found expression in stiffer punishments
for sex criminals: a departure from the philosophy of "Spare the
rod; spoil the child."
The Band, however, cannot understand the continued opposition to the
study of sex and marriage in the schools.
Indeed, we are forced to conclude that in the eyes of many people,
(Band forms a blob)
That pernicious purveyor of pedagoguery, the Princeton Band, would
like to propose its annual salute to that peerless pinnacle of profuse
pedantry, our verbally vexating Vice President, Spiro T. Agnew.
Forming
- a)
- Roget's Thesaurus
- b)
- a repetitious redundant, or
- c)
- a licentious lexicon of literary liberalism,
the Band facetiously faces one of erudite Spiro's effervescent elucidations of forensix flatulence.
(Band forms square with line down the center)
DARTMOUTH
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band invites you to spend a long, hard night at the movies.
The Band first zeroes in on the escalation of war movies.
Whether glorifying the thrusts of mighty armies into the Battle of
the Bulge, or poking fun at noncoms at the rear, these flicks all
specialize in good, clean blood 'n guts.
Although bombing with the critics, such movies have made a killing at
the box office.
This leads the Band to belive that the producers are not interested
in war, but in...
(Band changes 'MASH' to 'CASH')
Turning from blood and guts, to studs and sluts, we, as decent,
well-mannered citizens deplore the current entry of so-called
"Blue Movies" or "Skin Flicks" from abroad.
These sensationalists film strips tease the unwary movie goer with
unadulterated bunk and fantasy.
Despite the lurid claims of promoters that these films have
redeeming social value, the Band cautions movie goers that...
(Band changes 'PORN' to 'CORN')
Speaking of busts, the Band observes that two recent flicks,
"Beyond the Valley of the Dolls," and "Myra Breckenridge,"
were not all they were stacked up to be.
These mammoth productions were overly injected with sex and unusual
behavior to lure the clean upstanding boys in green.
Forming an inflated image, the Band hopes that future movies will not
rely on blatant sex to attract an audience.
(Band forms '38D')
Even more disgusting than these new fads is the trend toward movie
sequels, the repeated repetition of boring first run mistakes.
Because many were left hanging by "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls,"
"Beneath the Planet of the Apes," and "I am Curious Blue," the
Band offers its own sequel, "I AM NAUSEAUS, GREEN," the story of a
sweet Danish nymph who comes to the bleak New Hampshire wilderness
seeking warmth and a deeper relationship with mankind.
As the Band forms a) bleak New Hampshire wilderness, or
b) a deeper relationship, we hear the maiden cry out...
(Band forms blob)
HARVARD - ORIGINAL VERSION - CENSORED
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at famous Greek myths.
The Band first salutes Oedipus, who spend most of his resources trying to
expose the fallacy in the prediction of the sphinx.
However, he pulled a tremendous boner, and, being hard-pressed
to rectify the situation, found himself getting in deeper and deeper.
Forming an eternal triangle on the field, the Band salutes this
complex character who followed in his father's footsteps and incensed
his family with the philosophy of
(Band forms triangle)
We now consider Atlas,
the original athletic supporter, who spent his days
holding up an immense ball.
The Band testifies to the day that Atlas can finally relinquish his
superior position and seek another niche in life.
Forming
- a)
- a spicy meatball
- b)
- a weighty problem
we see Atlas shrug his shoulders as he drops his load.
(Band forms a circle)
Turning its attention to the Sack of Troy, the Band notes that the
Greek soldiers found it necessary to take precautions with the
Trojans protecting Helen.
They slipped through the town's defences late one night, and had a ball
as they liquidated the sleeping citizens one by one.
Forming
- a)
- the Sack of Troy
- b)
- a hairy situation
we hear the fickly and unholy Helen declare
(Band forms a blob)
Finally, there was Pandora and her world-reknown box.
We note that the gods warned her not to open it to any mortal man, but
curiousity finally made her.
She was taken aback when a flow of potent spirits came upon her, and
finding this discharge inconceivable, she is said to have exclaimed
(Band forms box)
HARVARD
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at famous Greek myths.
The Band first salutes Oedipus, who spend most of his resources trying to
expose the fallacy in the prediction of the sphinx.
However, he pulled a incredible faux pas and
was hard pressed to rectify the situation.
Forming an eternal triangle on the field, the Band salutes this
complex character who followed in his father's footsteps and incensed
his family with the philosophy of
(Band forms triangle)
We now consider Atlas,
the original athletic supporter, who spent his days
holding up an immense ball.
The Band testifies to the day that Atlas can finally relinquish his
superior position and seek another niche in life.
Forming
- a)
- a spicy meatball
- b)
- a weighty problem
we see Atlas shrug his shoulders as he drops his load.
(Band forms a circle)
Turning its attention to the Sack of Troy, the Band recalls how the
Greek soldiers devisied a way to by-pass the Trojans protecting
Helen.
They came in a wooden horse late one night and slipped through
Troy's defences.
Forming
- a)
- the Sack of Troy
- b)
- a wooden horse, or
- c)
- the Trojan's defences,
we hear the fickly and unholy Helen declare
Concluding its pose as a pernicious purveyor of pedagoguery,
the Princeton Band would like to propose its annual salute to that
most famous modern Greek myth, Spiro T. Agnewopolis, our
verbally vaxating Vice President.
Forming
- a)
- Roget's Thesaurus,
- b)
- a repetitious redundant, or
- c)
- a licentious lexicon of literary liberalism,
the Band facetiously faces one of erudite Spiro's effervescent elucidations of forensic flatulence.
(Band forms square with vertical line in it)
YALE
1970
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at pollution.
The Band first looks to the deteriorating condition of the air and
notes that researchers have recently found that high sulfate
concentrations in the
atmosphere can cause women's hosiery to disintegrate.
The panty hose industry is
understandably distressed as it sees the bottom
falling out of the market.
Forming
- a)
- a business falling apart at the seams, or
- b)
- a bear market,
we forsee that if this problem gets further out of hand, the time may come when
(Band forms pair of pants)
Pollution has also hit the candy manufacturing industry,
where rodent hairs have been found in some of America's
leading confections.
However, new safety laws have been adopted which require
sterilization of all ingredients before they are inserted into the candy.
Even with these precautions, hairs have been discovered
in the chewy center.
Forming a thin candy shell on the field, the Band hopes that your
next sweet treat melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Band would like to salute the Fox of Elgin, Illinois, a modern
day Robin Hood, who is a mysterious benefactor of our waterways.
This upright citizen plugs up pipes pouring contaminants into virgin
streams, causing the noxious chemicals to back up into the factories.
In retalition against the nocturnal missions, the plugged-up companies
have placed a price on the fox's head.
Forming:
the Band wishes the fox success in his future missions.
- a)
- a "higher priced" head
- b)
- a boxed fox
We now turn to another important but less publicized form of pollution pollution -- sports fan pollution. This phenomenon is most prevalent in the city of New Haven, where the fans will boo anybody -- see -- (or, except the Princeton Band). They also spit and throw oranges (see). But when the spit hits the fan, they get upset. Forming a soggy Eli fan, the Band notes that the obvious solution to this perennial problem is to flush the Yale Bowl.