CORNELL
September 22, 1984
(Announcer blows, taps on mike)
Testing 1-2-3, testing...I have outlawed the Big Red menace. Bombing of Cornell will begin in five minutes. What? We're on the air?....Ahem...excuse me...
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...the Empire State.
(Announcer uses commercial voice)
This is Henry Schlock, president of H & R Schlock, with one of my 147
reasons why we should prepare your taxes.
Reason number 70...We
thoroughly prepare the taxes of the typical two-income family.
Take two of our best customers, Geraldine Ferraro and her husband,
John Zaccarro.
Please.
We managed to show Gerry how to check boxes without
looking at what's next to them.
We can even show you how to get $50,000
to start your own political career.
We know of so many loopholes
you'll never have to kiss your assets goodbye.
Call us at our conveniently located offices in Bermuda, Zurich, and
Libya.
(Back to normal voice)
This is the Princeton University Band
forming a misplaced decimal point on the field and
reminding you that with
H & R Schlock, you can't go on the Fritz.
(Band forms decimal point)
And speaking of being on the Fritz, how 'bout those Mets?
With Gooden'
plenty of pitching, including a Darling reject from New Haven, the magic
was back until Strawberry and company were jammed by the boys of the
Windy City.
They have recently left the experts hanging by coming up
inches short of the division title.
Forming the miracle year of Met Magic
on the field, the Band says "with names like Mookie, they can't be
that good."
(Band forms '69)
Another New Yorker in a difficult position these days is
Vanessa Williams.
Forming Bob Guccione's telephoto lens, the Princeton Band takes
an up close and personal look at this Empire State beauty.
Although she said she didn't know what she was doing,
she's feeling low these days due to the negative reaction to her over
exposure.
Zooming in on the action, the Band voices Vanessa's lament:
"I'm just a Girl Who Can't Say No."
(Band forms a lens which zooms longer)
BUCKNELL
September 29, 1984
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...New happenings at Princeton.
Construction is a big new thing at Princeton.
Juniors are Curling up in
the gutters of 1985 courtyard with no place to live while
waiting months for six more feet of Frick Labs.
The higher-ups at Nassau Hall
even love the Band so much they spent 29 million dollars to improve our
practice field by installing a new molecular biology building in the
center of it so that six majors could have a place to culture new
bacteria.
The Band finally agrees with the Princeton
alumni -- the old days were better.
(Band form house which collapses into a line)
The Band would like to remind you to support Campus Fund Drive,
a valiant crew who is
busy raising a fortune this year to come to the aid of a group starving
like none before them, to help in their fight for self-sufficiency and no
more cold food, to boldly rescue the Forbes 500 from the desolate
dungeon that remains...Princeton Inn College.
(Band forms 'CFD' which changes to 'PIC')
Aren't you hungry?
Bet ya are.
Have you been holding the pickles since
last May, waiting for Burger King, that palace of greased pleasure, to
hit the town of Princeton?
Well wait no longer, the Home of the Whopper
is here to satisfy your every craving.
As the first junk food mecca to hit
the streets of Princeton, Burger King will add pleasure and variety to
your eating experience, so you can eat it in, you can take it out, you
can add more mayo, you can cut the mustard, we'll even hold the buns.
Forming a Whopper on the field, the Band reminds you that
at Burger King you can have it your way.
(Band forms a hamburger)
This year another Princeton tradition has been dealt
a great blow.
To protect freshmen from injury while mounting Nassau Hall the
administration, in a typical show
of ingenuity, surreptitiously swiped the clapper.
Fearing
the frustrated freshmen would filch Princeton's fabled and fabulous
silver mace, the administration hid the clapper deep within the
university woods.
Nevertheless, a victorious group of freshmen snatched their
long lost clapper from the grass.
Tireless, they then beat the
cannon 88 times.
Forming a clapper on the field the Band
invites the freshmen to hunt us.
(Band forms clapper, possibly the most phallic formation we've done in years)
BROWN
October 6, 1984
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...Princeton Culture.
Any salute to Princeton culture
must start with a tribute to Princeton's only
architect, Robert Venturi.
His "chair here, piano there" philosophy
succeeded in miraculously revamping Upper Cloister into the
Peter S. Firestone Common Room.
Brilliant, Bob.
And who can forget that bastion
of misplaced brick, Wu Hall.
Adorned with more circles, squares, and
triangles than a Romper Room play house, the big Wu was so well designed
the University has made plans for rennovations after only two years.
Forming a T-square, the Band sends Bob back to the drawing board.
(Band forms T-square)
But Princeton culture assumes many forms.
Take the Putnam Collection.
Please.
No, really.
From Song of the Vowels (better known as
Aerial Rendezvous) to the new and improved Mound for
Viewing Earth and Sky;
from that classic Biblical representation,
Abraham and Issac, to
the You Know What it is But We Can't Say It in front of
the Equad, the campus is positively littered with these works of
art.
And now, forming our personal favorite, Big Green Doughnut
With Teeth, the Band says,
"Aren't you glad we didn't pay for this?"
(Band forms Oval with Points sculpture)
When Princetonians want vocal culture,
they listen to one of the campus' famed singing groups.
While the Tigertones and Tigerlillies paw at each other,
the Nassoons rehearse in the dungeon of 1901 Hall in front of wildly
cheering cockroaches, dogs in skivvies, and Katz-en-jammers.
Students in
search of aural pleasure carefully avoid the dangerous Footnotes, whose
singing is known to cause fallen arches.
Frankly, the Band loves the Off Beats
off tempo music.
Forming an Arch on the field, the Band takes out
its Tigressions and plays Tiger Rag.
(Band forms gothic arch)
No show on culture could be complete without that paradigm
of cultural excellence, the Princeton Band.
Our shows have been described as "rotten
to the very core," "containg enough phallic imagery for two
Henry Miller
novels," and "suitable for the graffitti that adorns our public
toilets."
But our most vocal critic in recent times has been Peter Malcolm '43
who affectionately wrote us "...hope you dry up and blow away.
Hatefully Yours, Peter Malcolm."
And they call us immature!!
But Jack Brown '35 was the one who discovered our true cultural attraction when he wrote "The band reflects the attitude of the student body and does not, as I had hoped, perform its tasteless show unsupported by the Undergraduates." In its 65th year of high-stepping sonic glory the Band salutes its fans.
COLUMBIA
October 13, 1984
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...women.
What salute to women would be complete without a tribute to the Statue
of Liberty?
Echoing the inscription that has come to symbolize American
hospitality...Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free.
Give me your wallets, your watches, your
jewelry, and while you're at it, give me your clothing, your life
savings, and your first born.
By the way, welcome to New York.
(Band forms an apple)
[The following joke was written, but not performed since the
combined Princeton/Columbia show did not have sufficient
time for it.]
(In Joan Rivers voice)
Can we talk?
What's the difference between Dolly Parton and me?
Oh, grow out, I mean grow up!
Speaking of sleeping beauties, Princess Di
moaned "Where's the beefeater" in her sleep and awakened
poor Charley.
Oh...what of that classic beefeater, Liz Taylor, whose special order at
her favorite restaurant is a cow with a fork!
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin!!
A cop stopped her on the street yesterday and said she needed
license plates!
Oh -- you don't know -- she told me she was donating her
wardrobe to the Statue of Liberty.
Oh -- they had to take it in!!
Oh -- look, the Band's forming my profile on the field.
(Band forms vertical line)
And why is Michael Jackson such a flaming superstar?
It's as easy as
1-2-3 -- his secret: A voice that's strong enough for a man, but made
for a woman.
Michael's been the torch bearer for a new anti-drug campaign.
Their motto: No Coke; Pepsi.
Although the Band prefers Coke, if you
can't join 'em, Beat It.
(Band forms Michael Jackson's glove)
HAHVAHD
October 27, 1984
All characters in this show are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to Mondale or Reagan, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Narrator: One quiet afternoon in Gotham City...What's this?! The Princeton Band? Here...for a campaign parade? Look! It's the Penguin and Riddler! Quick! Somebody call Commissioner Gordon!!
(Band marches out carrying signs, banners, etc.)
- Narrator:
- At Penguin campaign headquarters:
- Penguin:
- Waa! Waa! The deficit! The deficit!
- Narrator:
- Little does Gotham City know that with his five year, 330 million dollar Campaign for Penguin that diabolical demcratic dodobird threatens to fill the moneybags under his eyes with new tax money, leaving the people of Gotham well...spent.
(Band forms bat symbol)
- Narrator:
- Meanwhile, at the Riddler's ranch:
- Riddler:
- Riddle me this, Batman, are you better off than you were four years ago? What do you mean ketchup isn't a vegetable? There you go again!!
- Narrator:
- Meanwhile, back in the Bat Cave:
- Robin:
- Holy lesser of two evils, Batman, Penguin's got his plan and Riddler's got his record, but Bonzo would still be a better candidate!
- Narrator:
- Can the Caped Constituents correct these criminal campaigns? Stay tuned...same Bat band, same bat belfry, same bat channel.
(Flasher routine)
GO PRINCETON
NO BAT CRIMES
BEAT CRIMSON
- Narrator:
- It's election day here in sunny Gotham City. What's this? Riddler trying to fix the election? And Penguin stuffing the box too? Look, here come the Caped Crusaders to the rescue!
- Robin:
- Holy villainous voters, Batman, let's get 'em!!
- Batman:
- I hope you've learned, Boy Wonder, that both these candidates are really Jokers.
PENN
November 3, 1984
In an attempt to supplement the sorry state of schooling of those at the University of Pennsylvania, the Princeton University Band goes on a long trip to the days of our innocence and takes a long, hard look at...educational TV.
No student's education would be complete without the fantasies of
Walt Disney.
Though Walt's been freeze-dried into a state of suspended
animation, his celluloid survives him.
Everyone remembers Quaking in
their boots when Snow White swallowed the poison apple.
And who could
forget meeting "Lady and the Tramp" and catching the
"Love Bug."
Forming Pinocchio's nose on the field, the Band tells a lie.
Oh no!! We're
running too long -- we're out of time!
We'll have to turn into a pumpkin.
(Band forms circle which elongates into a phallic-like object, and then changes into a pumpkin.)
Though the show is
geared to a higher educational level, some of the more
advanced members of Penn might have taken that memorable stroll down
Sesame Street.
Since New York property rates have skyrockted, Sesame Street
has taken a turn for the worse, descending into Philadelphia.
Oscar, evicted from his trash can, has become a vent-man in
South Philly.
Ernie's rubber ducky has taken to attacking him in the bath tub.
Even Mr. Hooper, the new Dean of the Wharton School, can't stop the
rampant alcoholism.
Now, Cookie Monster is tossing his cookies rather
than eating them.
But some things never change.
Forming a test of your
Sesame Street education, the Band says "One of these things is not like
the other" and asks: "Do you see what I see?"
(Band forms two circles and a triangle, just by chance resembling the female anatomy.)
And now, Children's Television Workshop and the American
State Department have sponsored this public service announcement about
National Safety Week.
Reminding you that 186,000 miles
per second is a speed limit we can live with, the Band forms:
- a)
- The number of safe American Embassies
- b)
- The number of students that didn't get into Penn, the safety school
- c)
- The number of whales actually saved by campaigns
- e)
- The number of soaps in the house smaller than Safeguard
- e)
- The number of people who can safely drive the Schuylkill Expressway, and
- f)
- The Penn Band
(Band forms a zero)
(Mr. Rogers voice)
Hello, boys and girls.
Today is a very special day.
We are going to the
city of brotherly love, Philadelphia.
Can you say "urban blight?"
Sure.
I knew you could.
Just a minute now while I come out of my closet and
we'll catch the neighborhood SEPTA trolley to that Land of
Make-believe.
(Trolley bell rings)
Oh, here's Mr. McPhealey eating a cheese steak.
Do
you have a speedy delivery for us?
No?
But isn't it a beautiful day in the neighborhood?
Oh no, I forgot, we're in Philadelphia.
But here's a
real fairy tale: You've got a friend in Pennsylvania.
(For no particular reason, the Band forms a blob)
YALE
November 10, 1984
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...Cockroaches.
Cockroaches getting you down? Well,
The New York Times reports that a
Yale professor has recently developed an earth-shattering breakthrough
in entomological passion.
Dr. Stuart Schreiber has invented a new
synthetic cockroach aphrodisiac which purportedly sends male cockroaches
into a frantic phase of "heated sexual frenzies" often lasting
over twenty
minutes and followed by a fifteen minute "cooling off period."
This is all true, folks.
According to
Schreiber, the male roaches experience "severe sexual fatigue" and
damage to various vital body parts.
For years, scientists have been searching for this elusive substance which will no doubt give a whole new meaning to checking in to the roach motel. One Dutch professor raised and dissected 75,000 virgin female cockroaches. But Schreiber, instead of just searching on the Yale campus, put out his feelers into the commercial market and managed to find some young virgins to sacrifice for only a dollar a piece. And you wonder why tuition is going up. Forming a one of those 75,000 cockroaches on the field, the Band plays "Get it On."
(Band forms a cockroach)
You wake up one morning -- something's not quite right.
You want to take out the garbage -- for dinner.
Suddenly Kafka becomes your favorite author.
You feel strangely different -- you feel like crawling
around in the pantry.
Your legs have fallen asleep -- all six of them.
The idea of buying a virgin female cockroach for a dollar doesn't seem
quite so stupid anymore.
Forming Gregor Samsa on the field, the Band reminds you: Metamorphosis.
You never think it'll happen to you.
(Band forms the same cockroach)
Come with us, as the Band further researches cockroach
control...If cockroaches bug you, it's a Forgon conclusion that you
should raise
the Black Flag and stage a Raid on their cracks and crevices.
In the
future, one can use a computer to debug one's home, Orkin simply seduce
roaches away with a No-Pest Strip-tease.
And if you still can't get
Rid-a-bugs, sell them to Dr. Schreiber for a dollar a pop.
Forming their
national emblem, the Band responds to the traditional cries of
cockroaches across the country: "Don't Tread on Me."
(Band forms the same cockroach again, then does "dead bug" on the field)
(Band yells "RAID" and scurries off the field.)
DARTMOUTH
November 17, 1984
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at...Farewells.
F. Scott might have called it This Side of Paradise Lost if
he knew four years ago of all that was
here today, gone tomorrow.
We'd like to take a walk down
memory lane with you now to recall these things which we've all lost in
the last four years: PIC and New New Quad, the Biochemistry department
(causing the loss of the Band field), lots of courtyards,
Madison Society and Commons (we don't really
mind that one), Firestone access and thousands of socks to the laundry.
Have you lost your patience with us yet?
But wait, there's so much more
that's disappeared...Gone
is alcohol -- and the Pub, Andy Brown '69 and Patty Hearse '69.
Even Dartmouth has lost its sheep and
doesn't know where to find them.
We've lost good upperclass room draw,
Project '85, and great P-parties.
And of course, the Band lost its pants.
Forming a telescope on the field, the Band searches for what we
haven't lost.
(Band forms a hugely phallic telescope)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Band pauses to say goodbye to our
beloved administration.
Out with J. Anderson "Bad Bad Leroy" Brown and
in with Eugene "I
know my pipe's cool, do your ears hang" Lowe.
Bye-bye to Eva "You
and me against the registrar" Gossman and Richard "What do you mean
the Dean's date was last month" Williams.
So long to Frederick "join us
after the service for sticky buns" Borsch and Don "Borrowing from
the University is always" Betterton.
But seriously, folks, we bid farewell
to William G. and his Band of Reknown, who's crowning achievement was
letting us into Princeton.
(Band forms Eugene Lowe's pipe)
And now, for no particular reason, the Band looks at power tools.
Whether it's a #9 rotary
drill or a circular saw, the working man is
always using his Sears tools craftily.
For that great GM feeling, Mr. Goodwrench and his
power tools are always on the job.
Power tools are also great stocking stuffers.
During the holiday season you can
electrically carve your turkey or Black and Decker-ate your tree.
And speaking of food...Colonel Sanders
and electric grinders with lettuce and tomato are
always a well-deserved break.
Fortunately, power tool break-down is
never a big problem -- spare parts can always be bought from
Tom "we want to help you do things" Wright.
(Band forms a screwdriver)
Turn out the lights, the party's over.
It's the Band's Last Picture
Show, time to make a Farewell to Arms.
And legs.
And phallic formations,
Curl puns, Batmen, and even cockroach jokes.
On the whole we'd rather
NOT be in New Jersey, and though Princeton's partying is such sweet
sorrow, we must wish all of our audience "Happy Tails to You."
We'd like
to send regards to Reagan, say farewell to Fritz,
bye-bye Bilbo, and so long to all our loyal supporters.
Though we'll
soon be Gone with the Wind, we'd like you to know that when it comes to
Music, Marching, Mirth, Creative Thinking and Originality, frankly, my
dears, we DO give a damn.
(Band forms the Princeton shield, with fire extinguishers going off at the top of each point)
Thththththat's all, folks!!!!!!