DARTMOUTH
September 21, 1985
Ladies and gentlemen, in memoriam of our visit to Dartmouth, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the wonderful state of New...Jersey.
The Princeton Band just drove in from New Jersey, and boy are our lungs
tired.
New Jersey is a solid waste storehouse, a slagpit seeping with
sewage-saturated cities of sordid stenches and silly pseudonyms.
Take Mawah.
Please.
No, really.
While you're at it, take Trenton, Secaucus, Rahway, Elizabeth,
Metro Park, Metuchen, Paramus, Passaic, Hopat Cong, and don't
forget Ho-Ho-Kus.
We don't mean to imply
that everything in New Jersey is contaminated, but the state tree of
New Jersey is dead, and even our jackets glow.
Speaking of garbage, what's the difference between a New Jersey
girl and garbage?
The girl gets taken out once a week.
Forming a barrel of biohazardous chemical waste on the field,
the Band plays, "Take Me Out to the Slagpit."
(Band forms the radioactive warning sign)
Elsewhere in the Baaadlands....New Jersey's
anti-perspirant poster child, Bruce Springsteen, defies
the old adage about singing with food in your mouth.
The Boss "Prooved it All Night" in "Candy's Room," but his
"Hungry Heart" was "Born to Run."
Bruce sung "I'm Going Down (South)" in my "Pink Cadillac."
Driving west on "E Street" in Asbury Park, he put his "Jersey
Girl" on a "Downbound Train" and married
Julianne "I'm on Fire" Phillips.
Forming a sweaty headband on the field, the Band dreads the
coming of little Springsteens who will surely be "Born in the USA."
(Band forms circle, puts on headbands, and takes off jackets to reveal rolled-up sleeves)
But seriously folks, we may be from a bastion of biohazardous
quagmiredom, but New Jersey
is the Garden State.
With such sterling facets as the Jersey shore, Atlantic City,
People Express, and the scenic New Jersey Turnpike, with such quaint
resorts as the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop.
And what about sports?
New Jersey is blessed with the presence of:
Doug Flutie, Doug Butler, Hershel Walker, the New York Giants,
the New York Jets, the New York Nets, and now, the Statue of Liberty,
and our new and improved state song.
(Band forms N.J. which changes to N.Y. with trash kickline in front)
But the best part of New Jersey is -- leaving.
And to the Dartmouth College Class of 1989 we say, "Aren't
you glad we came?"
But now we're "Born to Run."
LEHIGH
September 28, 1985
(The Band marches out in a precision manner to a fancy cadence. Marching down the fifty yard line in two lines, the Band branches off and forms a block formation in the center of the field. Band marks time until formation is complete. Drum Major high-steps through the center of the formation to the front of the field, and salutes the home crowd.)
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the New Princeton University Precision Marching Band, World Renowned for its High Stepping Sonic Glory. (pause) Unfortunately, due to construction delays imposed by the State Planning Board, the precision portion of our show has been delayed indefinitely. (Drum Major falls down)
The Princeton Band would like to welcome the Class of 1989.
Arriving on campus, freshmen found that many
traditions had been abandoned.
The writing sample was scratched from the Freshman Week schedule, and
cleverly concealed proctors were posted to prevent pilfering of
Princeton's precious prize, The Clapper.
Although unable to mount Nassau Hall and snatch the Clapper, the Freshmen
were
able to snatch their mummies' credit cards, thus enriching their
education while impoverishing their parents.
By graduation, these
students will no longer be "Like a Virgin" in the "Material World."
(Band forms '89 then changes to $$)
While the Freshmen are busy climbing the social ladder, other things
are also rising on campus.
Feinberg Hall, towering over the campus, will satisfy the
needs for entering freshmen for years to come.
When finally completed, these hi-rise freshmen will be able to savor the
unique spectacle of the new Molecular Biology Building,
Princeton's first building designed with MacPaint.
Commonly mistaken for an argyle sock, Mr. Venturi's latest erector set
nightmare surpasses all his previous handiwork.
Inspired by a bowl of Wheat Chex, this
landlocked steamship is lavishly equipped with bay doors, conveniently
located on the third floor.
While the MacBio Building nears
completion, anticipation mounts among frustrated residents of yet
another building.
The Edwards 74 are anxiously awaiting the day when
they can finally come out of the closet, the kitchen, and their friend's
living room.
When will Edwards construction finally be complete?
The Band has a good idea.
(Band forms a Christmas Tree, complete with trimmings, lights, and star)
Speaking of frustrating delays, take the American Judicial System.
Please.
No, really.
Sixteen years after women were allowed to enter
Princeton, the three male eating clubs are
finally
being challenged.
Frankly,
we think it's about time.
But until the recent court ruling is
enforced, the Band must resort to guerilla tactics.
Anticipating a close
shave in court, the Band
sallies
forth and attempts to join an
all-male club.
(Band forms a moustache)
But the real question on the minds of Princetonians young and old is,
"Can the 1985 Tigers get the job done?"
The Princeton Band says "Yes."
And with their talent, drive and spirit, the Tigers are surely on the
road to #1.
(Band forms #1)
BROWN
October 5, 1985
To Whom It May Concern:
We, the undersigned, cannot condone the cruel and callous condemnation and confiscation of kegs on this colorful college campus. Cordially, The Princeton University Band.
When in the
Coors
of human events, the administration feels that it's
Schaefer
to
Foster
a sober
Budweiser
student body, kegs become a thing of the
Pabst.
The administration and students are at
lagerheads, because each student
knows that his
Heineken Naragansett
and enjoy a cold one around the quad.
The administration thought that they
problem in the
Bud,
but students are still
Millering
around in search of that elusive golden brew.
The Band asks the musical
question, What's
Lowenbraun?
Kegs, shown here.
And you can't have them.
Tough
Schlitz.
(Band forms keg)
While other campuses are rolling out the kegs, students at Brown must
find something else to roll.
Although some may want to get out of this
joint, not all are upset with this tragic turn of events.
One campus
group that is particularly happy is SADD.
Forming:
- a)
- Students Against Drunk Drivers
- b)
- Students Against Dry Dorms
- c)
- Stop Admitting Democrat's Daughters
- d)
- Send Dollars Against Dyslexia
- e)
- f)
- the Brown Band
we say, don't despair! In four short years, when it's time to relax, if you've got the diploma, we've got the beer.
(Band forms 'SADD')
Doesn't the thought of four sober years just make you want to die?
But wait!
Don't take that cyanide pill!
There are so many other ways to escape the grim reality of Brown.
Try hanging out with high school students -- they always have beer!
Drink methanol and get blind drunk.
Get a lobotomy and try taking your courses graded, for once.
Or, if you can brave the long lines,
go to the corner drug store and pick up the Real Thing.
(Band forms blob, is cut into four lines)
But for a truly harrowing example of sobriety at its worst, take the
Brown Band.
Please.
COLUMBIA
October 12, 1985
The Princeton University Band welcomes Freshmen Parents, and congratulates the Class of 1989 on being admitted. Just how did they get in? We'd like to know. Let's take an up-close and personal look at college admissions.
So ya wanna get into Princeton.
Your GPA is good -- you've kept it up
for four years.
But let's see how well you score on your S.A.T.
Forming an oval on the field, the Band invites you to darken us in with
your #2 pencil.
(Narrative over music)
Question #1: If Gordon buys a dining hall for $9 million, and Malcolm buys a Residential College for $3 million, how much would you pay to have the Molecular Biology building named after you? Please show all work.
Question #2: Columbia is to victory as
- a)
- 17 is to 49
- b)
- Garrett is to tact
- c)
- Lions is to Tigers
- d)
- Bears, oh my!
(Band forms Oval)
Stop. ("Jeopardy" music stops) Put your instruments down. (Band members do so.) Close your booklets. You will now have a short break before your next formation.
No application would be complete without the alumni interview. Does this ring a bell?...
(a la Monty Python)Next.
What is your name?
Alfred E. Quagmire.
What is your quest?
Higher education and intellectual stimulation.
What is your favorite color?
Orange. No -- black! Aghhhh!
However, there's no reason to see the interview as Risky Business.
In fact, it can be a learning experience for both parties involved.
For the more experienced and well rounded students, the private
administrative interview is in order.
Applauding these more personally revealing sessions,
the Band forms a magnifying glass and invites you
to "Hey, Look Us Over."
(Band forms magnifying glass)
You remember, don't you?
It was April 16th, 4:15 p.m.
You'd just gotten back from the big yearbook meeting,
and mummy was fixing you an
after-school snack of Campbell's tomato soup and a grilled cheese
sandwich.
When there it was.
(Band plays first bar of Beethoven's Fifth.)
That big, fat letter from Princeton.
Not everyone got a fat one, though.
There were lots of people who had to read skinny little
letters that began:
"Dear Theodore: Every year Princeton University
receives thousands of applications from highly qualified students..."
The Band would like to take a moment to acknowledge our sympathies for
all those applicants who couldn't meet the stiff entrance requirements:
Madonna, Francis the Talking Mule, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Mr. Clean,
GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip, and the Columbia Band.
We commiserate with those
who had to settle for Columbia.
Sorry -- we hear you knocking, but you can't come in.
(after the Columbia Band has just played it 5 times)
(Band forms 'NO')
Of course it was hard to
get
in, but now you've got to pay to
stay
in.
How can you beat the rising cost of a college education without being
caught in the vice-like grip of financial insecurity?
If you want to avoid the financial aid office, you could liquidate
your assets or even drain your savings; but be careful,
there are substantial penalties for early withdrawal.
Forming the shrinking dollar of student loans, the
Band offers this advice -- still don't think you'll be able to pay?
Don't worry.
If all else fails...
Punt.
Oh, no, Columbia!
You can't even do that.
(Band forms a dollar bill which shrinks)
COLGATE
October 19,1985
I'm Harry Reasoner. I'm Morely Safer. And I'm Andy Rooney. These stories and more on 8 1/2 Minutes. Brought to you by the Colgate Band. Today, the part of the Colgate Band will be played by The Princeton University Band.
(Band is dressed as tubes of toothpaste, wearing white garbage bags and styrofoam cups on head.)
(in Andy Rooney voice)
Don't you just hate going to the dentist?
First they make you sit in
the waiting room and listen to bad Hawaiian elevator music, while you
read five year old issues of
Highlights Magazine.
And what about those fishtanks?
You know, the ones built into the
walls.
How do they feed those fish, anyway?
How clean are
their
teeth?
What happens when they die?
When they finally bring you into
the office, you have to sit on this stupid chair.
They put this lead
apron on you -- what do you use a lead apron for?
Baking cookies in a microwave?
Then they say they're gonna take some x-rays, and then they
leave the room.
What about your arms?
Don't they absorb radiation?
Of
course, there is one good thing about going to the dentist -- don't you
just love when he gives you the gas?
Playing Classical Gas, the Colgate Band demonstrates the correct way to floss.
(Band forms teeth and gets flossed)
While the Colgate Band sleeps, a pasty film covers their mouths. They wake with the worst breath of the day. "Morning." (Band falls down.) For those foul-mouthed Colgate Band members, four out of five Colgate alumni recommend that they wash their mouths out with soap. But they say:
(To the tune of "Supercalifrigilisticexpialidocious")
When we get that morning breath or chronic halitosis
Even though the smell of it is really quite atrocious
We've tried Scope and Listerine and even tried Lavoris
But no matter what we do alumni still abhor us.
But on a serious note, (Band plays a note) the Colgate Band has found that the cause of most oral odor is too many feet in one mouth, and offers a surefire deodorizing solution.
(Band forms a smiley face)
"Oh no!
It's the Cavity Creeps!"
(Smiley face turns to Mr. Bill face.)
The citizens of Toothopolis have not been brushing properly. They're leaving their mouths vulnerable to attack. Good thing they have Colgate with MFP. The Colgate Band would now like to demonstrate proper brushing technique, and reminds you that, if you don't clean your teeth after you eat, they may all come tumbling down.
(Band forms a brush and moves back and forth)
- Announcer
- The Encounter
- Guy
- I was suffering from simple chronic halitosis. Heading to the Reserve Room for a long, hard night of studying, I popped a Certs in my mouth. Good thing.
- Girl
- I was heading back from the Student Center. I had just smoked eight packs of clove cigarettes and figured I needed a Certs. Good thing.
- Guy
- Oh! Excuse me! I didn't mean to knock your books all over Firestone Plaza.
- Girl
- Hey, you got your Molecular Biology in my Fluid Mechanics!
- Guy
- Well, you got your Parables and Miracles in my Economic Policy!
- Announcer
- Luckily these kids had just taken their Certs, the breath freshener with two, two, two tastes in one: tastes great and less filling.
- Guy
- Gee, your breath smells great!
- Girl
- Thanks. Hey -- you wanna invite me over to your place for a beer?
- Guy
- Sure! If you've got the time, I've got the beer.
(Band forms a beer can)
And now, a band that doesn't know the meaning of the words "oral hygeine," those ambassadors of musical perfection, that paradigm of orchestral magnificence, those purveyors of high stepping sonic glory, great humanitarians and a close personal friend of mine, let's bring them out, ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band!
October 29, 2:30 p.m.
The American Dental Association files a missing
musicians report for the Colgate Band.
(Band plays first bars from Dragnet Theme.)
The FBI takes on the
job
of finding them.
The Princeton University Band, that guardian
of truth, justice, and the American Way, offers to lend a
hand.
Traveling to the nation's capital, the Band arranges a clandestine
rendevous at the top of the Washington Monument with special agents from
FBI headquarters.
(Band forms Washington Monument)
The FBI
tipped us off that the Colgate Band may have flocked to gay Pari for the
annual quiche fest.
Relentless in our quest, we hopped on the nearest
Concorde for Paris.
We climbed the tallest structure in sight, to get
an Eiffel of the city.
Although we never saw the Colgate Band, we vowed
to continue our search, even if it meant spending "April in Paris."
(Band forms Eiffel Tower)
Continuing its search, the Princeton Band followed a trail of empty
beer bottles across the Atlantic, and found itself at the gates of the
Budweiser brewery in St. Louis.
After three weeks of intense searching,
we determined that the Colgate Band was definitely
not
in the brewery.
Out of leads, and out of beer, we've got the "St. Louis Blues."
(Band forms the Gateway Arch)
HAHVAHD
October 26, 1985
Ladies and gentlemen, in an ongoing effort to provide an oasis of intellectual enlightenment in this desert of cerebral stagnation that is Cambridge, the Princeton University Band takes you on a trip through the very fabric of time, in search of academic acumen.
Deep within the annals of time, the Princeton Band has discovered the
charred remains of the first Neolithic student course guide.
A more vigorous search has documented this as evidence of the
world's earliest fire.
Credit for this discovery belongs to Bob the Caveman.
Barbequeing brontosaurus burgers in his beautiful backyard, Bob beckoned
his bosom buddy Bock.
Bock bungled on a boulder and bounced into the barbeque,
thereby creating the first Bock-burning.
The tradition lives on. Taking its
Cue
from the Harvard Administration, the Band cuts the punchline to this
joke, temporarily takes away all your alcohol,
and says, "Come on Derek, who do you think you are anyhow?"
(Band forms 'CUE', goes to 'CUT')
Speaking of holier than thou administrators, take Dean Moses.
Please.
With the advent of fire came Moses and the burning bush.
But Moses didn't just randomly flirt with flaming flora.
Plagued by water turned into blood, frogs, gnats,
flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, and darkness,
he forced the Pharoah to smite his own first born, and, even
more harrowing, send his second born to Harvard.
Seeing the Babylon the wall, he hora'd out of Egypt and
wandered around for forty years.
In its epic and classic
reenactment of the parting of the Red Sea, the Band
says, "Holy Moses!
Look at that Crimson Tide!"
(Band forms blob, splits in two)
Recognizing that a Harvard diploma is nothing more than honorary
debris, the Princeton University Band exhibits its own academic laurels
and proudly awards everyone in Soldier Field an honorary Princeton B.A.
A degree by any other name is B.S.
Habeamus Baccationem.
Est ne tua filia octo decimo.
Vidi, Vici, Veni.
Admitto.
(Band forms a diploma, drops trousers to reveal orange boxer shorts)
PENN
November 2, 1985
Attention K-Mart shoppers: Blue Light Special on the 50-yard line. This week's midterm break special: all the (?) you can buy.
How many times has this happened to you?
You're innocently walking out
of your fashionable inner-city high-rise dorm, when all of a sudden a
brick falls on your head, and you have to walk into class with those
embarrassing blood stains on your clothes again.
Well Ronco, the
conglomerate personal safety corporation which brought you the
solar-powered flashlight, now presents the official Penn state-of-the-art
safety-school helmet.
Developed by caring professionals with the
assistance of adorable, helpless, loving, cow-eyed stray dogs, they're
guaranteed to withstand cinder blocks, large lead safes, and aerially
deployed incendiary devices; but not the Princeton Offensive Line, or
the Princeton Defensive Band.
Order before midnight tonight and receive
your complimentary, attractively packaged Penn acceptance letter.
Forming a delicate piece of Penn lab equipment (a sledgehammer) on the
field, the Band says, "How much would you pay for this?"
(Band forms a sledge hammer)
But wait, there's
so
much more. Isn't it just one of life's most
frustrating feelings to be stuck on the Schuykill expressway and realize
you are missing your Sociology 101 -- Intro to Crisis
Management -- lecture?
Well, never again will this happen to you with the Ronco Urban
Assault Vehicle.
Tested on the battle-ridden streets of New Haven, this
household necessity is guaranteed to move through even the
University Avenue detour.
Order before the end of the game and maybe you'll make
it home.
As a special promotional bonus you get your very own vinylroof
repair kit.
Forming a detachable water cannon on the field, the Band
plays "Princeton Cannon Song."
(Band forms a water cannon)
Hey moms and dads,
how many children have you lost to thoughtless pranksters' practical
jokes?
How many hours did you waste ripping apart your children's
Halloween candy this year?
You could have avoided these needless wastes
if you had been one of the proud owners of the Ronco Candy Safety
Inspection Kit.
Guaranteed to detect pins, needles, razor blades, mind
altering substances, cyanide, scrapple, New Coke, Cherry Coke, Diet Coke,
Classic Coke, Caffeine Free Coke, Caffeine Free Diet Coke (i.e.,
water), and your buddy and mine, HTLV3.
Order now and never again worry
about what little Johnny is eating, or where it's been.
Satisfaction
guaranteed or you receive a combination Ronco stomach pump/pocket pool
table.
Forming a pumpkin in living color on the field (do not adjust
your sets) the Band plays the Munster Theme.
(Band form a pumpkin)
And now for something really useless, take the Ronco Red, White and Blue
Precision Marching Band.
Please.
No, really.
WILLIAM AND MARY
November 9, 1985
In its ongoing effort to provide clean, wholesome, family entertainment, the Princeton University Band presents...William and Mary: A Love Story.
This is a clean, wholesome love story about a young couple from
Virginia.
Meet William.
We'll call him Bill.
Meet Mary.
We'll call her Louise.
It all started as a simple blind date.
(Band puts on sunglasses and gropes.)
It was love at first sight.
(Band whips off glasses.)
A whirlwind romance ensued.
(Band scrambles in a circle.)
They were inseparable.
They were always seen together: at the malt shop, the
theatre, the post office, the H. Gross Invitational Punt, Pass, and Kick
competition, and the drive-in.
Forming the back seat of a '69 Chevy,
the Band fondly recalls those golden days of yesteryear -- holding hands
and feeling groovy.
(Band forms the back seat of a '69 Chevy)
The romance quickly blossomed into true love.
Bill and Louise, who we'll call Ethel, were a perfect match.
Ethel had the brains, Bill had the brawn.
Ethel had the looks, Bill had the money.
Ethel had the fridge, Bill had the microwave.
Ethel had the gin, Bill had the tonic.
Ethel had the time, Bill had the beer.
Ethel had New Jersey, Bill had you.
They were perfect together.
Finally Bill could contain himself no longer.
Getting down on one knee (half of heart gets down on one knee)
he popped...the question:
"Will you Mary me, or Bill me later?"
Ethel's reply:
"Oh, Bill, you know I'm just a girl who can't say no."
(Band form a heart, an arrow penetrates it)
The wedding day was fast approaching.
At her bridal shower, Ethel, who we'll call Faith,
received many lovely gifts: a toaster, a blender, a
cuisinart, a mixmaster, and other assorted electrical
appliances.
What Bill got at his bachelor party took Alka Seltzer
rid of.
The next morning, he woke with a terrible hangover, shown here.
But he still had fond memories of the night before.
(Band forms a hangover, i.e. a blob)
William, who we'll call the conquerer,
enjoyed the night before so much that he almost missed his
wedding the day after.
The best man was fashionably dressed in a light
blue tux, the family in orange and black blazers.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two souls in holy bondage. Let us pray: Do you, William, take Faith, who we'll call Hope, to be your lawfully wedded wife; to love, honor, cherish, obey, lend credit cards to, and spank when naughty, until you appear on Divorce Court? (Male symbol answers "I do.") And do you, Hope, who we'll call Charity, take William, who we'll call confused, to be your lawfully wedded husband -- Please. No, really. (Female symbol answers "I guess.") I now pronounce you a small liberal arts college. You may kiss the trustees. (Two symbols meet. People in the audience throw rice.)
(Band forms male and female symbol)
What married couple can ever forget their honeymoon?
Certainly not William and Mary.
They had
hoped
to stay at the Paradise Palace, lavishly equipped with heart shaped
waterbeds, free flowing champagne, pink bubble baths, a ballroom, ski
slopes, a miniature casino and pocket pool tables, sandy beaches,
rolling hills, scenic views of Niagra Falls, purple mountain majesties,
oceans white with foam, and other natural wonders.
William, who we'll call absentminded, neglected to make reservations
in advance, and had to
take his new bride to the No-Tell Motel, where Mary promptly fell
fast asleep.
Forming her Rapid Eye Movements on the field, the Band
sympathizes with Bill's plight.
(Band forms eye with a moving pupil)
Reservations weren't the
only
thing William forgot on the honeymoon.
Nine months later the twins were born.
Franklin and Marshall, who we'll
call Washington and Lee, were William and Mary's "unexpected" bundles of
joy.
They grew up, founded their own liberal arts college, and everyone
lived happily ever after.
The End.
(Band forms 'END')
YALE
November 16, 1985
This just in: Feet Born In WaWa. Details at eleven. Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents a salute to...higher beings.
God means many things to many people.
Here at Princeton, students can
choose from a wide variety of campus gods.
There's the god of one-room
triples: Vicki Quinn at the Temple of Housing.
The patron saint of
partying is the porcelain god; and students looking for affairs can
pray to the Right-Reverend Dean Lowe.
Late night consumers can be seen
making nocturnal pilgrimages to the Hoagie God, residing on Mount WaWa,
and partiers needing restraint will be visited by Proctor Bob, the god
of Discipline.
Students seeking divine guidance, however, should go
straight to the top: Princeton's own deity, William G. Bowen.
And the
Band recommends that supplicants talk to him -- he's all ears, shown
here.
(Band forms ear)
But enough with minor saints and dieties.
Let's move on to the Main Man
himself, Mr. Big, the Head Honcho, the buck
really
stops here, best-selling author, He was a smash hit in the Holy Land, He
knocked 'em dead in Sodom, star of stage, screen and Sinai, in His only
area appearance, a Superior Being who needs no introduction, a great
humanitarian and a close personal friend of ours, let's bring Him out,
ladies and gentlemen --
God, class of zero, is perhaps Princeton's greatest alumnus. Few know, however, that God was no saint during His college years. Oh no. Our little heck raiser was quite a devilish guy. When He took a study break, it lasted forty days and forty nights. He was kicked off the crew team for parting Lake Carnegie. He started His own eating club, Halo and Wings, and fed 180 people with two loaves of bread. And who could forget God's writing sample? Forming the Ten Commandments on the field, the Band says, "This represents His own work in accordance with University regulations."
(Band forms two tablets)
Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye.
The Princeton University Band, as God's
divine messengers on this good Earth, hath been sent to deliver unto you
this cosmic message:
(Flasher routine: Band forms upside-down 'Y' with people in front wearing raincoats and flashing)
FEET BORN IN WAWA
WE WANT A BONFIRE
CREAM BULLDOGS!
(a cream pie is thrown at the 'C', which then collapses)
Few know that God almost didn't graduate.
Her thesis, "Yale: My Attempt
to Create Intelligent Life in a New Haven" was labelled a complete
failure and it was only by pulling a six day all nighter that She ever
passed Her finals.
Those happy-go-lucky days far behind Her, God grew
up to become Princeton's greatest alum.
The Band would like to pay its
respects to God and Nassau Hall -- perfect together.
(Band forms Nassau Hall, drum major steals clapper)
CORNELL
November 23, 1985
Ladies and gentlemen, concluding its 1985 grand-slam sold-out tour of the Ivy League, that purveyor of all things good and just, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look through the mists of time, and goes back to the future.
The more things change, the more they remain the same.
Nowhere is this
adage more true than here at Old Nassau, conveniently located on the
cutting edge of avante garde radicalism.
Taking its cue from nature,
the Band breaks out its crystal balls and
envisions the Princeton bathroom of the future.
See the years peel away like so many layers of an
artichoke...1985, 1990, 1997, 2013, you get the idea.
In every john, thermonuclear
insta-hots will heat water to a tepid 10 million degrees -- but you can
still make only a half a cup of coffee.
Princeton will also catch up
with the rest of humanity and put doors on the currently semi-private
bathroom stalls.
But some traditions never die.
Illustrating the age-old
ritual of the flash-flush warning on the field, the Band
alerts shower takers everwhere.
(Band forms two blobs, one yells "FLUSH" at the other which screams and runs away.)
Speaking of waste on campus, take Alexander Hall.
Please.
No, really.
In addition to Richardson Auditorium in Alexander Hall, there will be
Malcolm Staircase in Alexander Hall, leading to the John Paul Getty
Balcony in Alexander Hall, and the Richard Woods ventilation ducts
in Alexander Hall.
But wait, there's
so
much more.
Let's not forget the
T.I. memorial urinal in the Sally Frank memorial men's room.
In fact,
the Band predicts that the only thing left unnamed in the entire
building will be a doork-nob.
(Which is hyphenated wrong on this printout, so don't use the
word doorknob in your J.P.'s if you're going to script them, and
remember, you heard it here first.)
Forming the only part of Alexander Hall
which is still part of Alexander Hall, the Band says, "I Hear You
Knocking, But You Can't Come In."
(Band forms doorknob)
Yes, the more things remain the same, the more they change.
Who would
have guessed that, somewhere in the future, University Counsel
Tom Wright and Sally Frank would finally marry, after all those years of
courting
each other.
Well, who are we to judge?
And speaking of bells ringing, yet another time
honored tradition will be lost as the university replaces the
Nassau Hall clapper with a large digital watch.
And when that watch tolls in
May, students no longer permitted to store their furniture in Jadwin Gym
will instead have to deposit it in Dillon Pool, to reduce the fire
hazard.
Forming spontaneous combustion on the field, the Band laments
the loss of its favorite things.
"My Favorite Things"
But what will become of Princeton itself?
Painstaking research and mind-expanding drugs
have led us to believe that, with an endowment greater
than the GNP of most nations, the university will develop its own
thermonuclear capability, break off ties with New Jersey, form an
independent country, and declare war on the Big Red menace.
The Black
and Orange Federation, BOF for short, needing representatives to the
outside world, will select those ambassadors of musical perfection, The
Princeton University Band.
Now that's what we call future perfect.
We would like to salute our fans (that's you,
Murt, Bob, and Tom),
fundraisers (that's you, Leo Juranik),
feeders
(that's you, Jim Lawson), friends and foes (that's you, Gilford,
Connecticut police department).
On behalf of President Jedd "I'm the One Who Goes to
Jail" Wolchok,
Drum Major Tim "Scruffy" Mistele,
and Student Conductor Joel "Golden Throat" Anderson,
this is
your announcer Dave Shukan reminding you that it's just four days
'till Rocky IV, 32 days 'till Christmas, and 154 days 'till
my thesis is due.
Band, play us a song.