Media

CORNELL
September 20, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents the first edition of The Daily Midnight Sun.

"Princeton Forward"


Headline: agriculture student spawns self...Doctor says, "It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." Sophomore Seymour Sheep was described as having white bread looks and white bread intelligence, in a word he was a typical Cornell student, though smarter than a bread box. Only our staff psychics predicted that Seymour would come to such a bizarre end. As a frustrated fish major he was unable to (censored: master bait and tackle) master rods and reels, bait and tackle, and fly-tieing. His performance there was less than satisfying, less than pleasing, and less filling. (Band responds "Tastes Great!") Visiting professor Dr. Old McDonald M.D., PHD. EIEIO, said that before switching to animal husbandry Seymour knew nothing about rearing livestock, but now he knows all about barnyard animals. His roommate and poultry virus lab partner, Biff Tungsten explained that Seymour was inspired to choose animal research out of utter frustration and a late night visit from the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis. Forming 100 impersonators of the ghost of the alien reincarnation of Elvis the Band plays "Love Me Tender."

"Love Me Tender"
(Band forms guitar)


Cornell chef confuses contaminated petri dish for dinner entree -- students enjoy change. Expert says, "It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." Cornell undergraduates received a rare culinary delight last week after cafeteria cook Betty "Big Red" Crocker was hypnotized and seduced by aliens. After checking out job openings at the Ramada Inn, Laugh Inn, No-Room-at-The-Inn, the Roach Motel, the No-Tel Motel, Econolodge, Dislodge, Datodge, and the Howard Johnson's Sheraton Regency Hilton Plaza Hyatt-top Cayuga's waters (get it, Hyatt top), Crocker returned to Ithaca and confused a salmonella-infested specimen for the salmon surprise casserole. Due to the student's free-flowing output, Crocker plans to add the following courses to this Fall's already challenging menu at Statler High:

Forming a knife on the field, the Band plays "Mack the Knife."

"Mack the Knife"
(Band forms knife)


Are you overweight, underweight, balding, alien, impotent? Do you have unsightly facial hair, insomnia, body odor, social diseases, anti-social diseases? Is the amazing frog-boy your brother? Do you go to Cornell? If so, you're the most disgusting thing we've ever seen. But don't fret, your worries will soon be over. Lady Fatima predicts apocalypse...tomorrow! So order your horoscope before midnight tonight. This offer will not be repeated. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery. Forming Porky Pig on the field the Band says, "That's all folks!"

"Looney Tunes Theme"
(Band forms pig)


And now for the most disgusting thing you'll ever see, the Cornell band.

NORTHWESTERN
September 27, 1986

Princeton University Band, come on down! You're the next contestant on "YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT!"

"Price is Right Theme"
(Band runs down from stands onto field in a circle)


Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to YOU BET YOUR ENDOWMENT! -- the game where you get to put your name on a University building...if THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! Competing with you, Band, for that $410 million jackpot, is Princeton alumnus Mr. Feinberg, and our returning champion, Steve Forbes. I'm your host, Bilbo Barker, and here's the lovely Vanna Venturi.

"Stripper"


Steve Forbes, as you are the returning champion you get to spin first. As you all remember, the wheel is marked with every building on campus. OK, and the wheel stops at....(BAND SPINS)...P.I.C.! Awwww, sorry Steve, your father already bought that one. You lose. Mr. Feinberg, it's your turn, so spin that wheel (BAND SPINS). The wheel stops at...nearly the last empty space in Wilson College! All right, what are you bids? The Band bids 68 cents. Mr. Feinberg bids three million dollars! He wins! Tell Mr. Feinberg what he wins, Johnny-O!

We'll name after you the newest eyesore on campus, all six stories of proud, tall brick, crammed into a space far too small for it! And that's not all; you get to advance to the finals where you'll go up against past champions Malcolm "Steve's Dad" Forbes, and Larry "John's son" Rockefeller, for the chance to rename Nassau "Monty" Hall!!!

But don't feel bad, Band, we've got some nice prizes for you backstage! Some of the band members will receive: a subscription to Architectural Digest, a job offer with Venturi, Rauch and Scott Brown; a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, or the breath-taking Rock Magnetism Lab! Forming the Rock Magnetism Lab, the Band plays "Rock Magnetism Labster."

"Rock Lobster"
(Band forms Rock Magnetism Lab)


We'll return to daytime Tiger TV in a moment, but now a word from our sponsor: "Onamotapoesis!" And now back to our irregularly scheduled programming.

Tiger TV presents (trumpet cue) the new voyages of the Starship Nassau. Our five year mission: to boldly squander $410 million, to boldly dig where no holes have been dug before, to boldly dig new holes where old holes have already been dug and filled in, and to boldly rename anything that isn't moving. Stardate 1986..."Scotty, to the bridge." (Scotty) "I kinna do it, Captain, it's closed for construction." Next, Science Officer Spock reported a bizzarre outbreak of Tribble Jambalaya at the boldly renamed Commons Dining Complex. Engineer Scotty, the last surviving student, was rushed to Bones McCosh Infirmary. I arrived in the nick of time. (Scotty) "Captain, I Kinna hold it any longer...gasp (Band boots)." (Bones) "He's dead Jim. I'll give him some pseudofed." Scotty had been our last student. We needed to beam up fresh men. I called the transporter room, but Chief Admissions Officer Archie Bunker, Romulan Officer Training Corps dropout, had changed the admissions policy. Only offspring of Nassau crew members would be taken on. It was then I realized our mission was in Jeopardy. Bunker would keep it "All In the Family." Forming the funny thing in Uhura's ear, the Band plays "All In the Family."

"All in the Family Theme"
(Band forms blob)


Would you like to be a bovine or just look like one? We here at the Northwestern Beauty School have sent herds of alumni out to pasture including: Hugh Heffer, Sitting Bull, Mrs. O'leary's cow, Elsie the cow, How now Brown Cow, and the Laughing cow. So whether you're a Jersey girl with great calves, or a moosical maid from the midwest send for our brochure. Our steering committee has revealed it will soon graze admission standards. So act soon and let us help you begin a career cuddling up with your favorite cowhand.

"I'm an Old Cowhand"
(Band forms 'MOO')


(Band scrambles into aerobics class)

Hello all you fatties up there in the stands. It's time for you to excercise with me, Richard Simmons. Ready? OK, and remember, never stop moving. Mr. Music please. (Band begins playing bass line to "Mission Impossible") And stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch, stretch, other side. Stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch. Stretch...Wait, you up there, you've stopped moving. You know what that means. The University has just boldly renamed you "Eugene." There will be a rededication ceremony on the field following the game. Now everbody, reach, reach for your checkbook. And reach, reach for your checkbook. Next give, give 'til it hurts; and give, give 'til it hurts. Wonderful, your pain, our gain. You know this will take inces off your waistline and off your wallet. Now, it's just a jump to the left, and a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips and bring your knees in tight. Doesn't this feel good? Oh band, I'm so disappointed in you. Only ten minutes and you're already wipedout.

"Wipeout"

BROWN
October 4, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a hard look at the long arm of the law.

"Princeton Forward"


Providence, Rhode Island: Real cops don't wear pastels, they wear brown. ("Dragnet Theme") Meet Providence Vice, the police force that's cleaning up the nation. They started at Brown, drying up working kegs and working women. For their next trick they took it on the road to Purdue where they clothed the Nude Olympicth. Then to Maryland where they cracked down on speeders, and at Princeton, they caught the clapper nabbers and put a cap on open beers. Even off duty in Houston they were striking out crime and Mets' pitchers, and in Hawaii they booked Danno -- Murder 1.

(Censored: Saluting these colorful protectors of the Constitution for busting their butts and bending over backwards to enforce a recent Supreme Court decision, the Band forms a Georgia peach and plays "Sweet Georgia Brown.")

Saluting these colorful protectors of the Constitution for enforcing a recent Supreme Court decision, the Band forms a Georgia peach and plays "Sweet Georgia Brown."

"Sweet Georgia Brown"
(Band forms peach)


From law enforcement to law makers the Band says, "Take Pierre Du Pont, si'l vous plait, non, vraiment." He wants to stop drug abuse with mandatory urinalysis, and, if Pierre has his way, students will look forward to proving their #1. You don't have to be a whiz kid to take this test, because it's only offered pass/fail. Of course some Pre-meds and Wilson School majors may overdo it, producing prodigious output in order to drown their professors in a sea of information. But for most students, they'll be out in no time. Forming a mason jar on the field, the Band seeks relief in a little brown jug.

"LBJ"
(Band forms mason jar)


Didn't that feel good, Band? And wouldn't you like to share the sensation? Always willing to spread good feeling throughout the world the band nominates the following as candidates for urinalysis:

a)
Joe Piscopo
b)
Peter Pan and Tinkle Bell
c)
Urethra Franklin,
d)
Betsy Wetsy,
e)
Dr. Louis B. Leakey and his fossil, and
f)
the Brown Band.

Saluting Dr. Leakey's fossil the Band forms a bone and plays Louis, Louis [no accent].

"Louis, Louis"
(Band forms bone)


Cutting away from law enforcement the Band takes a look at lawn enforcement. What's that, Band? You can't find any grass on campus? No wonder, you're in Wilson College. Why not try up-campus? Nope, everything up there is stone, all you'll find are some weeds. Maybe the proctors can help? Oh no, they've banned grass in public areas too. Demonstrating the one thing not yet banned on campus, the Band forms a band and plays "Liberty Bell March" by John Phillip Sousa.

"Liberty Bell March"
(Band forms a band)

FRESHMAN FRIDAY
October 17, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at Freshman Friday.

"Princeton Forward"


The Band welcomes freshman football back to Palmer Stadium. We're proud to see the class of '90 rigidly upholding many Princeton traditions, including: freshman football in Palmer Stadium, an annual event last held in 1918, campus construction, stealing the clapper, PIC, and the Punt, Pass and Shoot Competition, first won by Aaron Burr, class of 1774. Forming the new wave of traditions flooding the campus, the Band plays "Hawaii 5-0."

"Hawaii 5-0"
(Band forms nose)


Allow us to introduce you to the campus we met as freshmen. We went to Freshman Week meetings in Alexander Hall, we lived in PIC, we ate in Commons, upperclassmen had singles in New New Quad, there were Biochemistry majors, we drank beer in the Pub, the drinking age was nineteen, Freshmen Week lasted a full seven days, and the sophomores won Cane Spree -- oh, some things never change. Going Back in time the Band forms:

a)
BC
b)
Before Colleges
c)
Before Construction
d)
Bag the Clapper
e)
Bat Crimes and
f)
Butler College
"Going Back"
(Band forms 'BC')


Leaving campus, the Band rounds third and heads for home. Feeling hungry, we make a short stop at Howard Johnson's. Leading off, we have a pitcher of Strawberry daiquiris, then a plate of fried Bass with a Heeping side of Rice straight from the Boggs. And for dessert, served by your Darling waitress, Gooden plenty. Forming:

a)
Freshman Women
b)
Freshman Week
c)
Fun Weekends
d)
Fergie's Waistline
e)
Feet born in Wawa and
f)
Cornell Freshmen

the Band plays "Rock Lobster."

"Rock Lobster"
(Band forms 'FW')


Oh no, Band! That wasn't HoJo's, it was the PIC dining room and you've got salmonella. Run away.

LEHIGH
October 18, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard, laborious look at the birth of the Colonial League.

"Princeton Forward"


The birth of the Colonial League means no more athletic scholarships, and of course, no more athletic scholarships means no more athletic supporters. This could really hurt your wrestling team, (in falsetto) no really. That's a shame; the Band loves wrestlers, big brawny men in tights searching for the perfect grip on their opponent. In a tradition which comes from the Greeks, they try to force each other to their knees and pin them into submission. However, Jello wrestling is our favorite. It feels so good between our...toes. Hey, Band. (Band stops scramble) Can you wiggle and jiggle? (Band wiggles and jiggles) Looks good, Band. ("Feels good Chris.") Speaking of wiggling and jiggling, take Sumo wrestlers. They wiggle and jiggle, weeble and wobble, but they don't fall down. But why do men so big still wear diapers? Forming the smallest part of the Sumo wrestlers anatomy on the field, his nose, the Band plays "Turning Japanese."

"Turning Japanese"
(Band forms nose)


Hey, hey, hey -- heard the news? Bill Cosby is speaking at your graduation and we know that you're as proud as peacocks. But first, there are some things about Bill that we thought you should know. While starring in "I Spy" the Russians arrested him and the US had to trade twenty-five metric tons of surplus Jello Pudding Pops to get him back. Indeed, Bill's connections in Jello landed him his new job with E.F. Hutton. His attendance at a Jello wrestling tournament prompted the saying, "When Bill Cosby talks, people glisten." Forming the call letters that carry Cosby's show, the Band salutes your commencement speaker by saying:

a)
Nobody Better than Cosby,
b)
Nobody Bigger than Cosby,
c)
No Bran Cereal,
d)
Nero Beats Caesar (X-V),
e)
F. Hutton, or
f)
The Lehigh Marching 97
"Pomp and Circumstance"
(Band forms 'NBC')


So you think your academics are pretty stiff, huh? The Princeton Band has learned that early this week, Lehigh was offered admission to the Ivy League. Just think, if you give up your athletic scholarships, put essays on your applications, and bring your reading ability up to the 9th grade level, you too can cover your dorms with clinging green plants. Oh no, Lehigh! You've broken the Ivy's cardinal rule by awarding the first annual Hulk Hogan jello wrestling scholarship to Chaplain Flesher. Now you'll never find a way to make the Ivy League. Forming "Never Find a Way", the Band plays "Live and Let Die."

"Live and Let Die"
(Band forms 'NFW')


And now we invite you to please count them as they take the field, the Lehigh Marching 97. One, two, three...forget it.

HAHVAHD - ORIGINAL VERSION
October 25, 1986

To avoid unsightly blemishes on produce never grind, always mince or stab.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band reveals its secret to lasting 350 years: The Harvard Diet.

"Princeton Forward"


The Harvard Diet's secret to a healthy body is balanced servings of the four basic food groups: dairy products, cereals, fruits and vegetables, and meats. Take dairy products, cheese. No, really. Any harvard man knows the value of dairy products. After all, without cream life itself would be impossible. While Harvard thinks that it's the big cheese, we remind the audience that the only active culture in Cambridge is in the yogurt. But don't be sour, you can still have your milk skim, whole, or take it half and half, the way harvard men prefer.

"My Way"
(Band forms a milk carton)


Nothing goes down better with milk than a big bowl of cereal. But eat it soon, because after 350 years in milk anything will get mushy. Just ask Radcliffe. They still don't know what the big boys eat. But for its breakfast of champions the harvard diet recommends sticky buns. Here at Princeton, our diet is more substantial. Alumni provide our daily bread, and it rises every year. Midterm break affords Princeton students the opportunity to fill up on their favorite grains: hops and barley. The Band reminds you that beer is liquid bread.

"Miller Time"
(Band forms a stein)


The harvard diet recommends daily intake of fruits and vegetables. Some of our favorites are: cucumbers, bananas, carrots, Liberace, tofu, gourds, cauliflaur, zucchini, chestnuts, kumquats, cherries, Karen Ann Quinlan, passion fruit, coconuts, and lima beans. Sorry, no lima beans. But, if Harvard were full of fruits...Well, if Harvard were full of vegetables...Well, anyway, the Princeton University Band reminds you that hand-held electrical appliances can be helpful for slicing, dicing, and making lovely Julienne fries, but there are some jobs which still must be done by hand.

"2001"
(Band forms 'H')
MINCE OR STAB!
BEAT CRIMSON!
CREAM HAHVAHD
(a pie is thrown)


Fruits and vegetables may be enough for Harvard men, but Tigers agree that nothing beats fresh meat. Of course, if Harvard were a meat, they'd be boned rump roast, at $3.50 a pound. But for the best nutritional value, the Band recommends that you shop at a reputable meat market -- like the University Cottage Club. Formerly known for its succulent imports, Cottage has expanded its selections this year providing more tasty dishes to sink your teeth into. Not all shoppers are buying it though; alumni complain of a bad aftertaste, and some members are experiencing an identity crisis, shown here. Asking Cottage, "How's your meat?", the Band wonders just what's cooking at the club.

"Billboard March"
(Band forms single male/female symbol)

HAHVAHD
October 25, 1986

To avoid unsightly blemishes on produce never grind, always mince or stab.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band reveals its secret to lasting 350 years: The Harvard Diet.

"Princeton Forward"


The Harvard Diet's secret to a healthy body is balanced servings of the four basic food groups: dairy products, cereals, fruits and vegetables, and meats. Take dairy products, cheese. No, really. Any harvard man knows the value of dairy products. After all, without Cheese Whiz life itself would be impossible. While Harvard thinks that it's the big cheese, we remind the audience that the only active culture in Cambridge is in the yogurt. But don't be sour, you can still have your milk skim, whole, or half and half, the way harvard men prefer.

"My Way"
(Band forms a milk carton)


Nothing goes better with milk than a big bowl of cereal. But eat it soon, because after 350 years in milk anything will get mushy. Just ask Radcliffe. But for its breakfast of champions the harvard diet recommends crumpets and elephant ears. Here at Princeton, our diet is more substantial. Alumni provide our daily bread, and it rises every year. Midterm break affords Princeton students the opportunity to fill up on their favorite grains: hops and barley. The Band reminds you that beer is liquid bread.

"Miller Time"
(Band forms a stein)


The harvard diet recommends daily allowances of fruits and vegetables. Some of our favorites are: cucumbers, bananas, carrots, Liberace, tofu, gourds, cauliflower, zucchini, chestnuts, kumquats, cherries, Darryl Strawberry, Elvis Parsley, wait -- parsley isn't a vegetable, it's an herb, Celery Queen, passion fruit, coconuts and lima beans. Sorry, no lima beans. But, if Harvard were full of fruits...Well, if Harvard were full of vegetables...Well, anyway, the Princeton University Band reminds you that a full set of Ginsu knives can be helpful for slicing, dicing, and making lovely Julienne fries, but there are some jobs which still require pickle forks.

"2001"
(Band forms 'H')
MINCE OR STAB!
BEAT CRIMSON!
CREAM HAHVAHD
(a pie is thrown)


Fruits and vegetables may be enough for Harvard men, but Tigers agree that nothing is better than real meat. Of course, if Harvard were a meat, they'd be rump roast, at $3.50 a pound. But for the best nutritional value, the University Cottage Cheese Club, formerly known for its imports, recommends that you shop at a reputable meat market. But now it's the Cottage Cheese women who are comparison shopping. Not everyone is buying it though; alumni complain and some members are experiencing an identity crisis, shown here. Reminding Cottage, "Caveat Emptor," the Band wonders just what's cooking at the club.

"Billboard March"
(Band forms single male/female symbol)

PENN
November 1, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a really extensive gander.

"Princeton Forward"


It's true that Ben Franklin found the University of Pennsylvania, but like most things we find in the gutter, we wouldn't want to take it home to meet mom and dad. You never know where it's been. Actually, we do know where Penn has been -- because it really gets around. Penn admits almost anyone. (Pause) No, we apologize, Penn let's everyone in. Compared to Princeton's stringent entrance requirements, Penn's policy of taking them as they come is mighty friendly, but the Band wonders just what bonds the Ivy League together.

"James Bond Theme"
(Band forms glue stick)


Hey Band, look sharp. You're on T.V. (Band fixes hair.) That's right, the entire nation is watching this game, so you have to look your best. After all, many Princetonians have been on TV before, and you wouldn't want to put actors like Wayne Rogers, Jimmy Stewart, and the Big Fig to shame. However, Pennsylvania Community College also has to live up to the reputation of these alumni: Sean and Madonna Penn, Godzilla, Jane his wife, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo, the Ty-D-Bowl Man, Boris and Natasha, the smurfs, Francis the talking mule, GI Joe with Kung Fu grip, and starring Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

"Hawaii 5-0"
(Band forms 'TV')


Ding Dong. (Band screams "Trick or Treat") Want some candy, little band? What lovely costumes you're wearing. What are you dressed up as? The Great Pumpkin? No. Are you Jack-o-lanterns? No, your heads aren't empty like Penn's. Are you candy corn? No, candy corns taste good, but you have great taste. Are you the Penn "State School" Band dressed up as the Princeton Band? No, that's far too clever for Penn. Well then, you must be dressed up as the amazing, half-off, bigger than a bread box, barely, take no vacations and no prisoners, aren't you glad you got in, Princeton University Band. Forming a ghost on the field, the Band asks the musical questions:

a)
What do ghosts and witches dress up as on Halloween?
b)
How did the headless horseman bob for apples?
c)
Do Penn students need to wear masks on Halloween?
d)
Why is Penn in the Ivy League?
e)
Why?
f)
The Penn Band, and
g)
Why not?
"Another One Bites the Dust"
(Band forms a ghost)


The Band now voluntarily forsakes innuendo, and out the door. Everyone at Penn is either ugly or stupid, and some go both ways. Not all of them are sexually deviant; several have normal, healthy relationships, though most have nothing at all. But there's one thing that no one at Penn has, a Big Three Championship. That one is ours, and they're not even in the running. Forming a bonfire, the Band says, "Give us Yale" and "To Hell with the U of P."

"Cannon"
(Band forms a bonfire)

WILLIAM AND MARY
November 8, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the combined Princeton and William and Mary bands take a long, hard look at the seven deadly sins.

"My Favorite Things"


Forgive us, President Verkeil for we have sinned. We have sinned with gin and we have sinned with tonic. We have sinned with Anheuser and we have sinned with Busch. Yes, we've even sinned with the fraternity we passed on the way to the game. Yea verily, it was good. The band is well acquainted with the seven deadly sins. In fact, we know them on a first name basis. But don't be jealous, that would be envy. You know what the Bible says about envy: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor thy neighbor's ox; Neither shalt thou covet thy roommate's girlfriend, nor thy president's daughter." Turning green with envy, the bands remind you that you can't always get you want.

"Satisfaction"
(Bands spell out 'ENVY')


While envy is "I want your body", lust is "I want your body." Lust is a difficult concept, so we wanted to illustrate it with visual aids, but they wouldn't let us. We practiced it anyway, and boy are our arms tired. Settling for:

a)
the Land of the Lust
b)
Raiders of the Lust Ark
c)
Paradise Lust
d)
Lust in Space, and
e)
Lust but not Least
f)
the Richmond Spiders

We remind you that lust, shown here (bands wave), is something that even mummies had.

"King Tut"
(Bands form pyramids)


It's three o'clock, have you sinned yet today? Have you sinned alone? (Bands raise hands) In pairs? (Buddy system) What about in trios? (Hands down) C'mon Steve, you too President Verkeil. You know the difference between gluttony and avarice, don't you? Gluttony is "I want to eat everything," while avarice is "I want to eat everything." Of course, if gluttony and avarice were people, they would be Elizabeth Taylor, shown here. But she's not the only woman in history who has wanted it all; so have Marie Antoinette, Catherine the Great, Queen Victoria, Eve, Beatrice, Imelda Marcos and Madonna.

"Material Girl"
(Bands form blimp)


Wrath, Anger, the fifth deadly sin. You know -- the Grapes of Wrath, the Wrath of Kahn, Dan Wrather, Wrathberry Ithe Cream, Basil Wrathbone, and I'd Wrather be Ed Anger. What we're trying to say is the bands are pretty darn irate -- we're mad at the Wahoos, we're irked at the Richmond Spiders, we're outraged by the state of Montana, and we're particularly annoyed with Pocahontas. Forming the instrument of their wrath on the field, the bands say, "Go ahead, make our day."

"Peter Gunn"
(Bands form a cannon)


Even the bands can't stay angry for long; like Elizabeth Taylor we love everyone, or at least we try to every weekend. But most of all, we love ourselves. After all, we're suave and debonair, talented musicians, precise marchers and we dress oh-so-well. We know everyone wants our bodies. But we're not ones to toot our own horns, everyone knows that pride goes before a fall. (Bands fall) Aw bands, you're no longer proud and upstanding. Get up now and show us some of that high-stepping, sonic glory for which you're so famous.

"Them Basses"
(Bands form concert shell)


Well bands, you've done it all now. You've committed all seven deadly sins in one halftime show. You've committed envy, lust, gluttony, avarice, wrath and pride. Wait, that's only six. You forgot about sloth. I guess you were just too lazy. At least find the energy to play one last song.

"Baby Elephant Walk"
(Bands form blob, members leave field one-by-one during song)

YALE
November 15, 1986

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the creation of life.

"Princeton Forward"


In the beginning, there was no life -- only soup. Primordial soup. Green, slimy, oozing; you know, like the soup you had last night for dinner. Then there was life, but nothing more then slime molds, like the desert you also had last night. Billions and billions of years later, this evolved into Primatus Africanus, which had a tail, and Homo Yaliensis, which had none. With no backbone and only marginal intelligence, this pitiful creature did not stand a chance against a superior being, like Homo Princetoniensis. Forming a Big Three championship on the field, the Band reminds you that without evolutionary dead ends, Yale itself would be impossible.

"National Emblem"
(Band forms 'hPy')


Some people reject Darwin's evolutionist theories religiously. Granting equal time, the Band presents the creationist view: On the first day God created the heavens and the earth, and boy were his arms tired. One of God's greatest creations was beer, the crutch of collegiate life. Another was the creation of yeast, which allowed the miracle of fermentation. Of course, our favorite miracle was when he parted the foam from the beer, and there was much rejoicing. Unfortunately, during this revelry God also created New Haven, for at the time it seemed like a good idea. Awakening on the morning of the seventh day, God asked, "I created what?" Forming Alka Seltzer on the field, the Band offers you sobering relief from New Haven.

"Virgn de la Macarena"
(Band forms two tablets)


And now, the Band takes an up-close and personal, microscopic look at life itself. Meet Joe Gamete, an ordinary cell just like you and me. Joe works for a huge bureaucratic organism that he doesn't understand. For entertainment, Joe likes to hang out at the gene pool and drop nucleic acids with his mutant friends. He also frequents single-cell bars in search of a dominant gaMATE who looks great in membrane-tight designer genes. Forming Joe's last recourse for disseminating his genes on the field, the Band buds.

"Bud Theme"
(Band forms cell, and then buds)


Omnes Exeunt.

DARTMOUTH
November 22, 1986

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents its Orange Key guided tour of Princeton.

"Going Back"
(Band backs onto field)


The first stop on our tour is Nassau Hall, better known as the Rick Curtis Memorial Climbing Wall, where Rick, the Assistant Dean of the Clapper, was struck down saving the freshmen from themselves. Alas Poor Rick, we knew him well. Moving along to Wilson College, we see President Bowen's dreams of in loco parentis come to fruition. Concerned that students might fall and hurt themselves in Wilson courtyard, Norm Itzkowitz had the courtyard removed. All of it. Rufus "Chick" Jones, ace proctor, in his never ending quest to make the campus safer has even padded President Bowen's neck, and we'd like to thank him by forming the OA Climbing Wall, perhaps the only dangerous thing left on campus.

"Joshua"
(Band forms climbing wall)


Our next stop is the Prince building. A recent article reported that freshmen, enraged with Assistant Dean of Students Rick Curtis for prohibiting clapper snatching, snatched Dean Curtis. Denying that Rick had ever been missed, Provost Rudenstine claimed that published photos of the alleged dean were actually Rick's baby pictures. Our research revealed that Rick was actually abducted by the Sons and Grandsons of Aaron Burr, who hid him, inaugurating the first annual "Rick Curtis Hunt." The Prince regrets the error. If you find Dean Curtis, please mail him to Bill Bowen, care of Nassau Hall. Forming the Prince building, the Band hopes that someday our prince will come.

"Someday My Prince Will Come"
(Band forms building)


The tour is over and we're still in Princeton, and we're waiting on line. But for what? We're at the Palmer Square post office, where they slowly parcel out service, and we can't stamp out the problem. Oh no, Band! We only have a quarter. How about a drink? A quarter can't buy a coke but maybe we can write a check. No, writing checks for coke is a bad habit. Let's order out for pizza. Illustrating the battle lines drawn in the pizza war, the Band uses a slice of diplomacy and brings a peace to the campus.

"Coke Theme"
(Band forms line and depicts pizza war)


(Band follows into script 'PU')

Enough about everyone else, we'd like to mention our own accomplishments this season. We played to deaf ears at Cornell, we were twice as long for Northwestern, we exposed ourselves to the nation for Brown, we did nothing at Columbia, we gave birth at Lehigh, we creamed Harvard, we f)'d the Penn band, we mingled with William and Mary, and we Redefined life in New Haven. But not everything the Band does is Mickey Mouse. Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company. Thanks be to: President Bowen, sorry about your neck; Dean Lowe, we love your pipe; The University Store for warming us up; Jim "I'm still 49" Lawson for feeding us; Dave and Felix for speedily driving us out of Virginia; Chris VanSelis and Ann Halliday for always straightening things out; Bob Myslik, Tom Wright, and Myrt Whitcomb for just being you; Coach Rogerson and Tiger football which is why we're all here; and of course, all you afficionados of high stepping sonic glory, our fans.

"The Stars and Stripes Forever"
(Band is in script 'PU', ripple bow at end of song)


This season was brought to you in part by Stud Conductor Mike "the human Metronome" Hildreth, Drum Major Steve "why is there hair in my punch?" Singer, President Caroline "up all your friends" Hull, and myself, Chris "I haven't been pied yet" Sibilia. Thanks for coming, see you next year -- same Bat time, same Bat channel.