Media

The Band's announcer for the 1998 football season was Abby Wasserman '00.

CORNELL
September 19, 1998

Hey Princeton! Nice stadium we've got here. Be a shame if something were to...happen to it!

(Band runs screaming onto the field)


So...we were wondering: does this stadium come with a manufacturer's warranty? We've heard that to ensure that it doesn't crumble like Palmer, the University is taking steps to preserve Princeton Stadium, including a regular tune-up every 10,000 miles, asking spectators to leave their shoes outside, and only using the stadium for special occassions: say...five games a year. To really preserve it, they could try:

Forming a pair of goalposts, the Band suggests using Viagra -- to keep the uprights upright.

"Invincible Eagle"
(Band forms a pair of goalposts)


Ya' know, forty-five million dollars is a lot of money to spend on a stadium that's only used a half-dozen times a year. How will the University ever recover its investment? Always willing to lend a hand with a tough job, the Band suggests finding new uses for Princeton Stadium. For example:

The stadium would be a great place for:

or, with a few minor adjustments, Princeton Stadium can become the world's largest pool table, shown here, actual size.

"Johnny's Mambo"
(Band forms the World's Largest Pool Table)
(Drum Major wields his enormous cue stick, sinking balls in pockets)


Be sure to join us again next week for Princeton Stadium's newest event: MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!!

LEHIGH
September 26, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, plummeting onto the field like the Russian economy, it's the Princeton University Band.

"Princeton Forward"


Boy, the Russian economy is in deep trouble. Take the ruble. ("Please. No, really!") You know it's a bad sign when the only thing that goes down faster than the ruble is Monica Lewinsky.

Other signs that the currency is in trouble include:

Saluting our favorite Russian export, the Band plays Tetris.

"Georgia on My Mind"
(Band plays Tetris)


Of course, there are advantages to the falling ruble. For example, now Russians have money to burn...literally. There's no more waiting in line to buy toilet paper; just use what's in your wallet! And with the return of the barter system, chicken is now legal tender...and just as juicy!

Forming the shrinking ruble on the field, the Band reminds you that the only thing worth less than a ruble is (censored: a Lafayette diploma) a Canadian dollar.

"Friend Like Me"
(Band forms a shrinking ruble)


(Censored: And now please welcome the winner of the 1984 Miss America Pageant, the Lehigh Marching 97.)

Run away, Band! It's Boris Yeltsin, and he's trying to pay us in vodka!

FORDHAM
October 3, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at television.

"Princeton Forward"

You couldn't watch TV this past Summer without seeing those occassional reports about President Clinton's "extracurricular activities." We were fascinated to read in the Starr Report that before the President decided to come clean, his legal team proposed a number of explanations for the infamous stain on the dress. For example:

Forming a stain on the field, the Band asks "what kind of person doesn't do her laundry for six months?"

"Great Balls of Fire"
(Band forms a stain)


Of course, you can see television that's not about Bill Clinton. You just have to watch TV after three in the morning, like we do. That's where we learned about the most amazing new products, like:

...and the Hamster Shooter, shown here, actual size.

"We're an American Band"
(Band forms a Hamster Shooter)


Run away, Band! The Hamster Shooter is stuck on "autofire"!

BROWN
October 10, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the winner of the 1998 Miss America Pageant: the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"


Last week, President Clinton announced the first federal budget surplus in nearly thirty years. He's proposed a number of ways to spend the seventy billion dollar surplus, including:

a)
(censored: hold a Supreme Court Orgy: tonight, the ROBES COME OFF!)
a)
(Censored: install passenger-side airbags into all Swissair jets)
a)
(censored: hold a House of Representatives All-Month Kegger)
a)
hold a House of Representatives month-long bash
b)
buy 1500 new football stadiums
c)
strip mine the solar systems' eight OTHER planets
d)
a fourteen dollar Railto haircut for every man, woman, and child on Earth
e)
buy Rhode Island...but why bother?
f)
the Brown band

While these are all great ways to spend the budget surplus, the Princeton Band has a better idea: outfit Air Force One for time travel by installing a flux capacitor, shown here, actual size.

"Time Warp"
(Band forms a flux capacitor)


In August the United States bombed a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan because it was secretly making chemical weapons. This week the U.S. State Department released a bulletin listing these ways you can tell that the pharmaceutical plant down the street is really a chemical weapons plant:

...and today's special is Preparation H Bomb, shown here, actual size.

"White Rabbit"
(Band forms box of Preparation H, which explodes)


Paging the Brown band: your pharmaceuticals have arrived.

LAFAYETTE
October 17, 1998

There is no halftime script for this game because Lafayette Athletics imposed unacceptable conditions upon the Band's performance. The Band did not travel to Lafayette.

HAHVAHD
October 24, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, reminding you that crimson is a color and not a mascot, it's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"


Ahhh, don't you just love that new stadium smell? And look, we found the stadium's owners manual; it says:

CONGRATULATIONS on your purchase of a new Viñoly Soccer Stadium! Used properly, it might not crumble in 82 years. Do not use stadium if safety seal has been removed, and if crimson rash appears, seek immediate professional help. For your safety, do not operate the stadium when in the bathtub, and for best results, dry clean only. (Censored: Using the stadium as a landing site for Swissair jets will void the warranty.) Should catastrophic structural failure occur, please return your stadium to the manufacturer for repair or replacement. Damage due to neglect or misuse will void the manufacturer's warranty.

Attempting to void the manufacturer's warranty, the Band forms catastrophic structural failure.

"She's Not There"
(Band forms a section of the grandstands, which collapses)


Speaking of catastrophic failures, take Hahvahd! ("Please. No, really!") Of course, we don't really mean that. U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton, Hahvahd, and a school in New Haven equally well. Still, Hahvahd's curriculum isn't quite the same:

With courses like these, it's no wonder that Princeton's greatest alumnus is God, Class of '0; while Hahvahd's greatest alumnus is (Censored: the embodiment of evil:) DARTH VADER!

"Thus Spake Zarathustra"
(Band forms concert shell and flashes)
DARTH VADER OATH
DEATH TO HARVARD
PRINCETON ROCKS


(Censored: We leave you with this thought: if Princeton shines with the light of a thousand white-hot suns, Hahvahd sucks like a black hole.)

We leave you with this thought: if Princeton shines with the brilliance of a thousand white-hot suns, Hahvahd shines with the brilliance of a 15-watt nightlight.

COLUMBIA
October 31, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents: "child's play."

"Princeton Forward"


Speaking of child's play, G.I. Joe has a new commanding officer: Hasbro's brand-new General Colin Powell Action Figure. And later this year, watch for:

...and our favorite, the Burp Me Boris Yeltsin action figure, which comes complete with its own vodka bottle, pictured here, enlarged to show texture.

"Doggin' Around"
(Band forms vodka bottle)


While playing with dolls is all well and good, the real thrill for children of all ages is the amusement park. But children of the 90's demand more cutting edge thrills. For example, we suggest:

and

Forming Schubert's Unfinished Roller Coaster, the Band takes you for a ride you'll never forget.

"Call Me"
(Band forms Schubert's Unfinished Roller Coaster)


Remember Band: it's always funny 'till someone loses an eye.

PENN
November 7, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, reminding you that there are starving children in New Haven who'd love that toast, it's the Princeton University Band.

"Princeton Forward"


Princeton Borough recently passed a law prohibiting open containers of alcohol on public property. It seems to be working a little too well. For example:

(Censored: Predicting the choice of a new generation, the Band forms a syringe of beer and invites you to "take a shot.")

Forming the beer dispenser of a new generation, the Band invites you to "take a shot."

"Joshua"
(Band forms a syringe)


When John Glenn returned to space this week, it was no surprise that television covered his every word. Here's some of what we overheard on the space shuttle broadcasts:

and

Forming a solid rocket booster, the Band reminds you: (sung) "When the moon hits your eye--YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!"

"I Can See for Miles"
(Band forms a solid rocket booster)


Don't touch that dial! Coming up next is the Princeton football team, and they're all fulltime students.

YALE
November 14, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin we would like a warm welcome for Bill Bours of Princeton's Class of 1939, who is currently attending his 70th consecutive Princeton-Yale football game.


Ladies and gentlemen, now with the secret ingredient that leaves your yale Bowl spotless and pine-fresh, it's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"


After our grueling midterm exams, we at Princeton enjoyed our Fall Break last week. And what better way to spend a beatiful sunny autumn day than by playing video games? Just a few of the new and interesting games we played over break included:

Forming our favorite version of Pac Man on the field, the Band shows what it takes to be a true winner.

"White Rabbit"
(Band forms a Pac Man game)


Speaking of winners, we all know that last month Princeton Professor Daniel Tsui won the Nobel Prize in Physics. But have you heard about the lesser-known Nobel Prize winners? For example:

Forming the Nobel Prize yale didn't win, the Band thanks the Elis for playing. Please accept our lovely Nobel CONSOLATION Prize: it's the Nobel Prize Home Game...spark of genius not included.

"Lazy River"
(Band forms a Nobel Prize)


And always remember, it's not whether you win or lose, as long as you don't go to Hahvahd.

THE DARMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 21, 1998

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you'll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

DARTMOUTH
November 21, 1998

Ladies and gentlemen, celebrating its 80th marching season, the Princeton University Band reminds you that if it's Big and it's Green, it's probably infected.

"Princeton Forward"


As football season comes to an end, Princeton students turn to the winter sport for which Princeton is famous -- that's right -- the Nude Olympics. Last year's snow-free winter crushed the Olympic dreams of Princeton athletes, and left the Nude Olympics in deep financial trouble. But never fear: the International Olympic Committee announced that it's taking over the Princeton Nude Olympics. Their changes include:

Where will it all end? Promising to get to the BOTTOM of it all, the Band forms...a bottom.

"Stripper"
(Band forms a bottom)


While the future of the Nude Olympics seems assured, what of Princeton's future? What will the University be like in a hundred years? Peering into our crystal ball, the Band makes its predictions:

And with the addition of its 100 millionth book, Firestone Library finally implodes. Demonstrating that too much knowledge can be a bad thing, the Band forms the Black Hole of Firestone Library.

"The Stars and Stripes Forever"
(Band forms a Black Hole, books swirl in)


And now, for Stud Conductor Pete "My father's a pair of slippers" Photos, Drum Major Chris "Wilson Kiosk" Hyson, and President Ken "Nice Ass" Lee, this is your Announcer Abby "Sax Babe" Wasserman saying "you can have this microphone when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."