Princeton University Band

Our announcer for the year was Lee Hadbavny '01.

9/16/2000 -- Lafayette

There is no halftime show for the Lafayette game, for the band did not go to this game.

9/23/2000 -- Lehigh

Ladies and gentlemen, gallivanting onto the field like a herd of deranged... hold on, hold on, I gotta say something. We have been here since 1:30 for the kick-off. Where the hell were all of you? In the future, please try to be on time. It's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

Here at Princeton, class has begun again, and with it, the ultimate game of endurance: Freshman Class Survivor! Let's see how our contestants are doing:

Before arriving at Princeton, PJ was told he could bring one luxury item. He chose to bring a U-Haul truck, filled with other luxury items. Unfortunately, PJ was assigned to a single in Butler... so there go PJ's luxury items!
Meet Hal. Hal ate nothing but squirrels for the first few days. Then he discovered the freshman dining halls... and soon went back to eating squirrels.
Then there's Spencer. On his first day, Spencer discovered high-speed Internet porn and was never heard from again.
It looked like our big winner was going to be Janina, who walked around naked on her birthday... but then she was kicked out for perpetuating the Nude Olympics. Sorry, Janina. Have fun at Brown.

Forming an island, the Band wanted to play "I Will Survive" ... but we didn't have the music. So instead we'll play "Eye of the Tiger" by the band Survivor. Get it?

(Band forms an island and plays "Eye of the Tiger")

Moving from extinguishing torches to lighting them, this winter the world gets to witness the 2000 Summer Olympic Games. Here are some games the International Olympic Committee decided not to include:

sumo kayaking
the Prospect 11
cookie-tossing, which usually follows the Prospect 11
[cut] Rhythmic contraception, the only event in which the Vatican is entered
the 'Wa run
the Forbes-to-E-Quad marathon
women's synchronized trips to the bathroom
Ivy League football
the parallel bar... mitzvah
[cut] Synchronized drowning... the Russians are the favorites
TV/VCR repair (or get your degree)
and in an unlikely merger between gymnastics and equestrian, pummeling a horse.

Saluting our favorite event, the breast stroke, the Band forms an Olympic torch.

(Band forms a torch, which lights, and plays "Great Balls of Fire")

And what better place to watch the Olympics than on the big-screen TV at the brand-new Frist Campus Center! It's all part of a continuing plot to eliminate the name of Palmer from the Princeton community. The final step will be the renaming of Palmer Square, thanks to a large donation by alumnus John Tienanman, class of '89. John, tanks a lot!

And what does the future hold for the Frist Campus Center?

The Class of 2050 will finally figure out how to open the damn mailboxes.
The administration will force the multipurpose room to choose a single purpose, though it can still get a certificate in another purpose.
The Mongolian grill will take over the entire cafeteria... then all of Europe!
Construction will be completed on the monorail or aqueduct or Stonehenge or whatever the hell that thing in front is.
And in an effort to curb underage drinking, alcohol initiative money will fund the building of a hash bar.

Forming a Princeton shield, the Band acknowledges that none of this is ever going to happen... because next fall, the Frist Campus Center is slated to become a Classics library.

(Band forms a Princeton shield and plays "Tiger Rag")

Look out, Band! It's Albert Einstein, back from the dead... and he wants to know what the hell you've done with his building.

9/30/2000 -- Columbia

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Boro Park, it's Dick Clark's Rockin' Erev Rosh Hashana, featuring the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

It's great to be here in New York, and as long as we were here, we thought we'd see a show. But not every Broadway musical is a success. Here are some shows that didn't make the cut:

"Smoky Joe's Hash Bar"
"Little Shop of Whores"
"Don Chihuahua, the Man of Chalupa"
[cut] "Hitler on the Roof"
"Twice Upon a Mattress"
From the makers of "Rent": "Lease... With an Option to Buy"
"Blue Man Support Group"
"How to Succeed in Business Despite Going to Columbia"
"Saturday Night West Nile Fever" (Band stops scrambling and does a disco point.)
and from the makers of "Guys and Dolls": "Pimps and Hos"

Saluting our favorite show, "Jesus Christ Superfly," the Band forms a superfly hat.

(Band forms a hat with a feather and plays "Superstar")

But if you want to see some quality acting, don't go to Broadway... look no further than the New York Senate race. Following in the footsteps of Jesse "The Body" Ventura, no one has higher hopes for the election than Hilary "The Wife" Clinton. Having completed her move from Little Rock to the Big Apple, she's already made the following plans to make New York more like her home state of Arkansas:

Lincoln Center will become home to the Grand Ol' Metropolitan Opry.
"No Trespassing" signs will be replaced with signs that read, "Git Off My Property!"
[cut] In an ironic twist, the Confederate flag will fly at Yankee games.
Public schools will drop in the rankings from 49^th to 50^th.
NBC Ratings will reach an all-time high as tired "Saturday Night Live" is replaced with reruns of "Hee-Haw."
Strip bars will return to Times Square.
The stores will be replaced with the chores... and Times Square will be replaced with fresh air. (Quad toms play the Green Acres theme.)
Soho will be renamed "Soo-eey!"
Fast-food restaurants will post the motto, "No shirt, no shoes, no problem!".
La Guardia will be renamed Uncle Fio's Country Airport.
The Stock Exchange will be converted to the Livestock Exchange, ensuring that it'll always be a bull market.

And noting the most drastic change of all... that property values on the Hudson River will mysteriously increase 6000%, the Band forms the white waters of the Hudson.

(Band forms the Hudson River and plays "Proud Mary")

In parting, the Band asks you to remember: It takes a Greenwich Village to raise a transvestite.

10/7/2000 -- Colgate

Ladies and gentlemen, promising not to make any stupid toothpaste jokes that you've heard a million times already, it's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

It's time for the major-league baseball playoffs. Unfortunately, no one seems to care. So we wrote to the Major League Baseball Association, suggesting they implement the following changes to make the baseball more exciting:

At the end of every inning, vote a player out of the game.
Aztec Death Rules: Two teams enter, ONE TEAM LEAVES!
Multiball!
[cut] The first pitch should be thrown out by Christopher Reeve.
Upgrade the batboy to Batman.
The first 500 children get an autographed baseball cap. The last 500 children get an autographed jock strap.
[Cut] Have the commentator chuckle every time he says "ball," "fly," "dugout," or "mound."
Get rid of the right fielder; replace him with a temperamental monkey.
Rename the dugout "The Pit of Despair."
Install a hash bar in the stadium.
New rule: If a fan catches your foul pop, he gets to make out with your wife.
Replace the umpire with Judge Judy.
JumboTron porn.
Have the Cubs win something. ANYTHING.
Or the best suggestion of all... invite a marching band.

Forming a baseball diamond, the Band tries to get to third base.

(Band forms a baseball diamond; band plays "Gimme Some Lovin'" while trash section plays baseball.)

And speaking of the Braves, the Indians, and the Phillies -- well, not the Phillies -- this Monday is Columbus Day. The Princeton Band plans to relax and celebrate Columbus Day the old-fashioned way -- by exploiting indigenous peoples and contracting a nasty case of syphilis. We do wonder why Columbus gets honored every year. After all, he was responsible for:

Columbus, Ohio
The obsolescence of the folding globe
A bunch of damn stupid movies in 1992
And he proved you could get somewhere in a Pinto.

Columbus didn't even really discover America. That honor belongs to those nasty, hairy barbarians from the frozen north -- no, not the Colgate Band -- the Vikings! We can understand why the world favors Columbus over Leif Erickson, though. Columbus discovered the beautiful, warm islands of the Caribbean, while the Vikings discovered... Canada.

Forming a flat earth, the Band reminds you that in the event the earth is flat, exits are located in the huge gaping hole in the ocean. Keep in mind that the nearest gaping hole may be behind you.

(Band forms a flat earth; band plays "Hawaii 5-0" while trash section sails off the end.)

The Band supposes that if there is an end to the earth, it probably isn't far from here.

10/14/2000 -- Brown

And now, the reason you were afraid to send your kids to college, the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

The Princeton Band would like to welcome all the parents here for Freshman Parents Day. Here are some ways the University has been preparing for your arrival:

They've taken down the statues of Satanic idols.
They had Firestone Library recalled and replaced it with Goodyear Library.
They've impounded all squirrels larger than 2 feet.
They closed the hash bar.
They gave us a day out of the work mines.
They gave the engineers an ultimatum: Shower, or be showered.
They capella'd the a capella groups.
And their solution for Prospect Street? They napalmed the whole thing.

Forming a napalmed Prospect Street, the Band says, "Dude, I got bombed last night."

(Band forms a street on which explosions appear and plays "Joshua")

Unfortunately, when parents come to visit, not all freshmen tell them the whole story. Here are some lies we heard freshmen tell their visiting parents today:

"It's a coffee table, not a keg."
"Sure, I eat breakfast every day."
"Those squirrels were crucified when I got here."
"We're only allowed to call home once a month."
"I don't know why I'm out of tube socks."
"TI? No, I don't know which one's TI."
"The drinking age is 18 in New Jersey."
[Cut] "My 'horny Asian teens' bookmark is for my East Asian Studies class."
"No, no one finds the Band offensive."
"Of course I love you more than beer."
"Urban Action was lots of fun."
"MP3's are perfectly legal."
"They only let seniors in the library."
"I speak with Toni Morrison every day."
"No, no, Sigma Alpha Epsilon is an engineering honor society."
And this morning, we heard one freshman say, "No, Mom, that's a misprint -- it's mirth control pills. I don't want to get too happy."

Forming a mirth control pill, the Band goes down the tubes.

(Band forms a mirth control pill and plays "Children of Sanchez")

But there's someone even more special than the parents at today's game. Former Dean of Student Life Janina Montero is in the audience! We did wonder, though, why she came all the way from her new position at Brown just to visit Princeton for a day. Here are some of the reasons we came up with:

She came to pick up her Passport to the Arts.
She was voted off Rhode Island.
She just had to try a three-dollar fruit smoothie at the Beverage Lab.
She's trying to set the record for the long-distance 'Wa run.
She's back to let us know she can really shake 'em down, now that she can dance.
She heard there were some openings on the basketball team.
Providence sent her to judge the righteous from the damned.
She had to come back because she was improperly recruited.
Two words: Edith's Lingerie.
She was afraid of New Englanders burning her at the stake.
[Cut] She's grazing her flocks of flying monkeys.
Another theory holds that Janina came back to visit her sisters, JaPinta and JaSantaMaria.
But really, she came back to stand vigil in Holder Courtyard until the first snowfall.

Forming Holder Courtyard, the Band reveals the biggest upside to Janina's presence today: No more of that troublesome fun!

(Band forms Holder Courtyard and plays "Stripper" while trash section runs wearing "CENSORED" signs.)

And no matter who wins, don't forget to stop by the Woodrow Wilson fountain before you leave to watch the Princeton Band get wet and party down with the Brown Band.

10/21/2000 -- Hahvahd

Ladies and gentlemen, today's halftime show is dedicated to University President Hal Shapiro, with special guest stars, the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

Today we bid a fond farewell to our beloved President, Hal Shapiro. During his time here, President Shapiro approved a ten-percent class size increase and raised over eight billion dollars. But you may not be familiar with some of Hal's lesser-known accomplishments, such as:

He won second prize in a beauty contest and collected ten dollars.
He found a bargain at the U-Store.
He successfully cured all diseases on campus except for mono and pregnancy.
He quadrupled the endowment without resorting to renting out the Woodrow Wilson Bedroom in Nassau Hall.
In direct violation of his own Bioethics Committee, he cloned himself and assumed presidency at McGill University.
And he raised Princeton to Number One -- in terms of scaffolding per capita.

Forming scaffolding, the Band lets you know what we think of Hal Shapiro... he's pretty fly -- for a white guy.

(Band forms scaffolding and plays "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)")

With Hal Shapiro leaving, everyone is wondering: Who will replace him? The Band has a few suggestions:

Ralph Nader... we're predicting he won't be busy.
New Folger's Crystals -- let's see if they notice.
That big rusty sculpture outside the stadium... so then it'd have a real purpose for being here.
Amy Fox Kubacki... 'cause it's her birthday!
Albert Einstein's brain... in Brooke Shields's body.
Or our best suggestion: Clinton -- George Clinton -- making the campus a heck of a lot funkier.

Forming Hal Shapiro, the Band reminds you that pretty soon, you won't be able to call him President Shapiro any more... you can call him Hal.

(Band forms Hal Shapiro's head and plays "You Can Call Me Al"; trash section holds a 20-yard-long pair of glasses.)

Of course, the most obvious replacement for Hal Shapiro is a certain other unemployed college president, Neil Rudenstein. Then again, Rudenstein couldn't even do a good job at his own college. This year U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton as number one above every other college in the nation. Here are some of the reasons Princeton is number one, and Hahvahd is number two:

Since Hahvahd is 100 years older than Princeton, a much higher percentage of Hahvahd graduates are dead.
While both schools have a rodent infestation, our cute little squirrels aren't nearly as bad as Hahvahd students.
Princeton's Menendez Brothers weren't responsible for nearly as many deaths as Hahvahd's Ted Kaczynski.
We have the Princeton Band... they have the Hahvahd Band.
At least our mascot is a noun.
They pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd... we park our foot in Hahvahd's rear.
Because Hahvahd sucks, and Princeton doesn't.
But the real reason Princeton is Number One: We have Hal Shapiro.

Saluting Hal Shapiro, and thanking him for all he's done, the Band reminds him that he's not the only Hal to have his plug pulled in 2001.

(Band forms concert shell, flashes, and plays "Thus Spake Zarathustra")

Flashers spell: BRAVO WAYWARD HAL
Anagram to: BLOW HARVARD AWAY
Flip to reveal: OLD NASS KICKS ASS

President Shapiro, please come to the fifty-yard line for a gift from the Band.

(Hal Shapiro walks out onto the fifty-yard line; Drum Major puts a hat and blazer on him.)

Ladies and gentlemen, Princeton President Hal Shapiro.

10/28/2000 -- Cornell

[Cut] And now, the only Ivy League band composed entirely of sexy, sexy bitches, the Princeton University Band!)

And now, it's the sexiest band in the Ivy League, the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

"Princeton Forward"

The World Series is over, and this year it was located entirely within New York City. In case there's ever another Subway Series, here are some ways you can tell it's truly a New York baseball game:

Right Field is referred to as the Upper East Side.
Argue with the ump, get shot in the head.
If there are two baserunners, they can split a cab.
The first 500 children get a free MetroCard!
The Seventh Inning Stretch is replaced with the Seventh Inning Peep Show.
There are more baseball bats in the stands than on the field.
Crack dealers charge $4.75! It's ridiculous!
The box seats are rent-controlled.
[Cut] The dugout is referred to as "the ghetto."
They fold their bases when they eat them.
And instead of bases, they use street bums! Fans, catch the excitement as Jeeter slides into third bum!
Scalpers really take your scalp.
And instead of "You're out!" the umpires yell "Forget about it!"

Forming the best part of the World Series -- Derek Jeeter's tight, sexy buns -- the Band says, "Buy me some peanuts and crack."

(Band forms Derek Jeeter's buns and plays "We're an American Band")

After you take your kids out to the ballgame, you can take them trick-or-treating. But if you come to a strange house, watch for these signs that maybe you shouldn't trick-or-treat there:

The yard is littered with bloody goat parts.
As you approach, you notice the house is breathing a bit too heavily.
The first candy bar is free -- after that, it'll cost you twenty bucks an ounce.
The house is painted orange and black... plaid.
The mailbox outside says "bin Laden."
Decorations include fake spider webs, plastic skeletons, and a burning cross.
[Cut] The hedges out front are sculpted in the shape of genitalia. (Band yells: "Nice bush!)
The car parked in the driveway has window stickers that say "Pat Buchanan for President," "NRA All the Way," or "Cornell Alumni Association."
While suburban lakefront homes are often safe, that's not the case if the lake's on fire.
Instead of "Please Take One," signs on the bowls of candy say, "Please Take at Least 375 Milligrams."
Sign on the door says "Gone killin'... back in 5 mintues."
The house has Greek letters on the front.
All the jack-o-lanterns have breasts.
And if your child is female, don't trick-or-treat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Forming a wrapped piece of candy, the Band reminds you: Never, ever trick-or-treat at a house where the door is answered by a man in fishnet stockings and a teddy.

(Band forms a wrapped piece of candy and plays "The Time Warp")

Aaaaaand now, the only wanna-be Big Ten band in the Ivy League, the Cornell University Big Red Marching Commie Hell-Spawn!

11/4/2000 -- Penn

Ladies and gentlemen, Honey, I shrunk the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

"Princeton Forward"

Recently Philadelphia chose the motto "The city that loves you back" over more accurately phrased choices, such as "The city that loves you in the rear." But if you think it was difficult for city legislators to pick this new motto, you haven't heard the half of it. Here are some rejected names for the City of Brotherly Love itself:

Philaphobia: Fear of Love
Huey Lewisburg: The City of the Power of Love
Echthradelphia: The City of Brotherly Hate
Franklin's Bordello
Dorksville: Home of the Quaker
Phila-Keebler-Elf-ia
Landfill-adelphia: It would certainly explain the smell... oh wait, that's just the Penn Band.
West Camden
Really-North Fort Lauderdale
Hades
In honor of the Liberty Bell, the Crack Capital of the World
Or the most quickly rejected name for Philadelphia: Wonderland.

Forming a Wonderland wafer, the Band invites Penn to eat what made us smaller.

(Band forms a wafer and plays "White Rabbit.")

For eighty-one years, you've listened to and enjoyed the Princeton Band's halftime shows. But not only did some names for Philadelphia not make the cut; neither did some ideas for halftime shows. Here are some of our worst halftime show ideas of all time:

"The Multivariable Calculus Halftime Spectacular!"
"The Musical Kama Sutra"
[Cut] "Quadriplegics' on Ice!"
"The Vietnam War... on Ice!"
"Homopallooza!"
"Why Ghandi was Wrong"
"Things the Censors Wouldn't Let Us Say"
"Fun with Prophylactics"
"Twelve Clowns, a Sedan, and an Airbag: A Circus Tragedy"
"Respirators: Unplugged!"
"Uniforms on the Left... Band Members on the Right"
"Bad Presidential Candidate Impersonations" [Ed. Note: This was the topic of Penn's halftime show five minutes previous.]
"How a Little Polish Boy Grew Up to be Pope"
Or how about "Rejected Halftime Topics?" No, that's not a good idea.

Saluting our favorite, "War and Peace... and Dancing!"... the Band forms peace.

(Band forms a peace sign and plays "Land of 1000 Dances.")

And remember, something something something, insert funny joke here, don't forget to write this line later!

11/11/2000 -- Yale

Ladies and gentlemen, swerving onto the field like George W. Bush on the Maine Turnpike, it's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

Some people equate yale with Hell. But we know that's not true. Hell is much, much better than yale, and here are some reasons why:

It's warmer in Hell.
Hell is safer.
[Cut] Not all Catholics go to yale.
The bulldog only has one head...Cerberus has three.
You can't hear the yale Band in Hell.
Hell won't beg its alumni for money.
At least the dead have an excuse for their personality.
Satan breathes fire...the bulldog just poops a lot.
The Amtrak train to New Haven isn't as comfortable as the handbasket.
And in Hell, you don't need to worry about misleading ballots to know whether your school's alumnus has been elected president.

Forming a misleading ballot, the Band asks yale to stuff it.

(Band forms a misleading ballot and plays "Night Train")

This fall U.S. News and World Report ranked yale and Hahvahd tied for second place behind -- guess who -- Princeton. But don't trust one magazine's opinion. Here's what some other magazines have said about yale:

Popular Mechanics says they're a bunch of tools.
Consumer Reports advises the immediate recall of yale students, since they may blow out at high speeds.
The New York Times Crossword describes yale as a four-letter word that starts with "SH."
Cosmo lists fifty ways to satisfy the yale man...and they all involve the bulldog.
The Weekly World News says "Walrus Boy gives birth to three-hundred-pound Elvis impersonator."
The National Enquirer reveals a shocking sex scandal: yale student actually has sex. Unfortunately, it's with a three-hundred-pound Elvis impersonator.
Mad Libs says that yale sucks plural noun, and Princeton is going to verb them in the noun.
Martha Stewart Living says yale has a conspicuous lack of doilies.
Martha Stewart dying says "(choking noises)."
Ebony Magazine doesn't mention yale at all.
And Games magazine says even pinball is more challenging than four years at yale.

Forming a pinball machine, the Band says, "If you get an extra ball, you're that much more of a man."

(Band forms a pinball machine and plays "Jump, Jive, and Wail." Trash section forms giant flippers and ball; at the end of the song, they hold up a giant sign that says "TILT.")

Yale, always remember: We don't like to rub it in, but WE'RE NUMBER ONE AND YOU'RE NOT.

THE 2000 SHOW THAT NEVER WAS

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in itsentirety by our censors, you'll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/18/2000 -- Dartmouth

Ladies and gentlemen, getting down with their plaid selves, it's the Princeton University Band!

"Princeton Forward"

This week is Thanksgiving, and while this holiday is enshrouded in tradition, there are some Thanksgiving traditions that didn't make it. Such as:

Stuffing turkey with paper fortunes
Watching the big cricket match after dinner
The P-Rade
Spreading syphilis to indigenous peoples
[Cut] Scalping the white man
Buckles on everything!
[Cut: The annual family gang bang
The annual family steel cage match
The Nude Olympics
Hoagie Haven for dinner, where the head of the household carves the turkey parm
Burying your older relatives who probably won't make it through the winter anyway
Slaughtering a fuzzy puppy
Helping the poor
The Pass, Punt, and Kick the Turkey Contest
Carving a succulent, juicy baby
The greased grandma race
Religious intolerance for everyone!
Or our favorite, musket roullete!

Forming a musket, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, the Band gives Dartmouth the bird.

(Band forms a musket, which shoots and kills a giant turkey, and band plays "Johnny's Mambo")

We wanted to make jokes about the sheep at Dartmouth, but we heard they'd already been done. So instead, we'll salute one of Dartmouth's other famous alumni, Dr. Seuss. Unfortunately, like Thanksgiving traditions, not all of Dr. Seuss's books were popular. Here are some Dr. Seuss books that didn't make it:

"Green Eggs and Beer" "Johnny's Mambo"
[Cut] "Horton Hears a Whore"
"Oh the Places You'll Go... and How Very Far They Are from Hanover"
[Cut] "How the Grinch Stole My Virginity"
"How the Grinch Stole My Chastity"
The sequel to "Hop on Pop": "Leap on Sheep"
"Marvin K. Mooney, Won't You Please Put on Some Pants?"
The sequel to "Are You My Mother?": "Who's Your Daddy?"
[Cut] "Cocks in Box"
"The Thorax"
"Yertl the Turtle Becomes Infertile"
"One Sheep, Two Sheep, Red Sheep, Blew Sheep?" Of course I did; I went to Dartmouth!
And "The Cat in the Vat: The Oscar Meyer Story"

Forming a cat in a vat, the Band says, Fox in Socks, our game is done, sir. Thank you for a lot of fun, sir.

(Band forms a cat in a vat and plays "Friend Like Me")

And now, for Student Conductor Shirtless Jim "Hey Hey Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah" Gallagher, Head Manager Lisa "Is there anything you can eat here?" Kellogg, loving Drum Major Adam "If you were a band, I'd join you" Ruben, and President Lee "NO, Adam" Hadbavny, this is your announcer Lee "Adam, NO" Hadbavny, saying, "You can ram it in your rump, Chunky!"