Media

Our announcer for the year is Sam Leachman '09

9/15/2007 -- Lehigh

Back from your nightmares, it's the Princeton University Band!

[Princeton Forward]

As we've walked along Elm Drive of late, we can't help but look back and forth between the former Butler and the brand-new Whitman and reflect on how much the University's style has changed over the past few decades. For example,

Of course, the most ironic thing is that Butler was designed to be the dorm of the future, but Whitman is designed to be the dorm of the past. The band salutes Princeton's bold strides into the 1850's by forming the remains of Butler and playing the "Time Warp."

(Band forms rubble and plays "Time Warp")

One of the most unfailing signs of the beginning of the academic year, aside from the return of the borough police to Prospect street, is the appearance of clumps of confused freshman wandering around campus. Of course, this is usually just a few hapless souls looking for Richardson, or a couple trying to sneak into Cannon on a Wednesday night. This year, the confusion reached a new peak as the freshmen were pressed into an orientation scavenger hunt. We couldn't help but wonder, what exactly were they searching for? Was it:

Of course, they'll all go crazy trying to find any of those things. Forming insanity, the band plays Basketcase.

[Band forms random dots and plays "Basketcase"]

Run away band, the audience can tell you haven't practiced in three months!

9/22/2007 -- Lafayette

Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier Lafayette, it's the Princeton University Band!

[Princeton Forward]

Everybody knows about O.J. Simpson being arrested recently in connection with an armed robbery case. But what very few people know is that this arrest is just the tip of an iceberg of nefarious deeds. Here are a few of the things he's been up to while out of the public eye:

Forming a more convincing Heisman trophy than the ones O.J. has been selling, the band wishes him the best of luck in his upcoming trial and plays "Jailhouse Rock."

[Band forms Heisman trophy and plays "Jailhouse Rock"]

The Band would like to join with Lafayette University in celebrating the 250th anniversary of the Marquis de Lafayette's birth. Everyone knows about his involvement in the French and American revolutions, but we thought we'd take a moment to point out some of his less-well-known accomplishments.

Saluting our favorite expatriate, the band forms the French flag and plays "Carry On My Wayward Son."

[Band forms french flag and plays "Carry On"]

Run away Band, it's the zombie Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier Lafayette, and he's angry!

9/29/2007 -- Columbia

I believe that our, I, U.S. Americans like such as IT'S THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY BAND!

[Band marches on to Princeton Forward]

Now that the second week of school is over, the deadline to add and drop classes has passed. You know what that means? It means it's time for the your professors to drop all the pretenses and show their true selves, because, guess what? You're stuck with them now! Here's some of what you can expect to see, come Monday.

Forming Robbie George's imposing countenance, the band plays "She's not There"

[Form some sort of glaring angry face, play "She's not There"]

Hey, Columbia. Sure, there was a lot of uproar surrounding Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking on your campus, but who really heard anything about his speech beyond his claims that there are no homosexuals in Iran? Well, as a public service, we thought we'd tell you a few points from his speech that seem to have somehow escaped coverage.

Forming an Infidel-Eating-Donkey, the band plays "I'm a Believer"

[Form roughly ovaloid shape with ears and eyes, play "I'm a Believer"]

Run away band, it's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and he thinks you're queer!
Run away band, it's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and he likes your ass!
Run away band, it's Kim Jong Il, and he's looking for a new partner!

10/06/2007 -- Hampton

About to be totally upstaged, it's the Princeton University Band!

[Band random precision marches on to Forward]

Colgate! Good to see you...wait a second...you're not Colgate. Who are you people? (pause as if being told something off microphone) Hampton? You're Hampton? Well, I'll tell you what. Since you guys are new here, let us give you a couple of recommendations for how to spend your time in Princeton. You could:

Of course, if Princeton doesn't seem like your cup of tea, we recommend that you look outside the Ivy League. Say, at Penn, for example. But we certainly hope we made a better impression on you than that. Welcoming Hampton to Princeton, the band forms Nassau hall and plays "The Impression that I Get"

[Band forms Nassau Hall, plays "The Impression that I Get"]

While we were playing that song, our elite team of researchers did some work, and we found out that Hampton's mascot is the pirates. Not only that, the entire institution seems to have a piratical bent, as evidenced by some of the courses listed in Hampton's current undergraduate announcement, such as:

Forming a Muppet Treasure Island, the band plays "The Muppet Show"

[Band forms an island, plays "Muppet Show"]

Run away band, this field ain't big enough for the two of you!

10/13/2007 -- Brown

Big money big money big money no whammies no whammies STOP! It's the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Forward]

We heard that the governor of Massachusetts was recently at Brown to pitch his plan to open casinos in his home state. This really got us thinking about the many advantages of casinos, and suddenly it came to us. Why not open a casino at Brown? Here are some of the changes we envision for the new Brown University/Casino:

Saluting Brown's generous new policy, the Band hits the jackpot and plays "Back In Black"

[Band forms a $, plays "Back in Black"]

Browsing Brown's website, we came across a series of stories about the worthy causes that Brown researchers have been working on. For example, chemists managed to determine exactly why dirt smells like dirt. Also, biologists succeeded in making a novel 3-dimensional petri dish. Of course, they were just trying to make a bong pipe, but the accomplishment is no less impressive. However, we figured these guys shouldn't get all the glory, and we ought to take some time to note the achievements of others at Brown:

Forming a femur, the band plays...wait, what does the band play? Band, play something...

[Band forms a femur, plays a tritone]

Dude, that was cool...do that again...

[Band plays a tritone]

Dude...

[Band plays "Chameleon"]

Run away band, here come some special Brownies!

10/20/2007 -- Harvard

The announcer for this game was Mark Cerqueira '10

Scabies...scaaaaabies...it's the Princeton University Band!

[Band marches on to Forward]

Al Gore, was recently awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace for his documentary warning about global warming. However, some naysayers have claimed that Al Gore didn't deserve his prize. To dispute this, we'd like to contrast his case with some of the more questionable Nobels that have been given out.

In light of all these, it doesn't seem so bad that Mr. Gore, Harvard class of '69, got a prize. He can keep it on his shelf next to the one he got for inventing the internet. And besides, he assures us he won't let it go to his head. Saluting the Harvard's humble harbinger of heating, the band plays 'You Can Call Me Al"

[Band forms '69, plays "You Can Call Me Al"]

Harvard's been in the news a lot lately, what with inaugurating its first female president. As a result, universities around the nation have struggled to gain the spotlight with other dramatic institutional changes. For example:

Letting the numbers speak for themselves, the band plays Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, or "241"

[Band forms a 1, plays "241"]

Run away band, there's permethrin cream on the sidelines!

10/26/2007 -- Cornell

Sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick, it's the Princeton University Band!

[Band plays Forward]

You may have heard that the Cornell Emergency Medical Service has just unveiled a new Mass Casualty Unit, capable of handling up to 100 patients in the event of a mass disaster. This might seem a tad excessive for a remote location in upstate New York, but we who are of a more creative bent can think of all sorts of situations at Cornell where it will be useful.

Forming a feathery death, the band plays "Birdland"

[Band forms a bird, plays Birdland]

Best-selling author J.K. Rowling recently outed one of her characters, Albus Dumbledore. Naturally, this announcement has sent shock waves through the literary community, prompting all sorts of surprising revelations.

Forming the 9th circle, the band plays "Great Balls of Fire"

[Band forms circle, plays GBoF]

Run away, Band. Everyone hates you. Why don't you just leave?

11/03/2007 -- Penn

At least we remembered to wear pants, it's the Princeton University Band!

[Band scrambles on]

Word on the street is that Penn has launched a new 3.6 billion dollar fundraising campaign. We just happen to have a few suggestions for where that money could go:

But we all know what they're really going to spend it on.

[Band forms shotglass, plays "Tequila"]

As part of an attempt to broaden its appeal, the NFL recently staged the first-ever professional football game outside of North America. Naturally, this has left other less-popular sports scrambling for new ways to increase their market share.

Forming the rules of cricket, the band plays "Anyway You Want It"

[Band forms randomness, plays "AYWI"]

Run away Band, or you're toast!

11/10/2007 -- Yale

Elis. I hate these guys. It's the Princeton University Band!

According to NPR, Yale's campus is abuzz with excitement over the arrival of film crews in New Haven for the shooting of Indiana Jones IV. Current working titles include 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Not Being Stabbed By A Homeless Guy' and 'Indiana Jones and the Sanctuary Steeped in Foreboding'. But aside from avoiding muggers, what else has Indy been doing since Last Crusade?

[Band plays "Also Sprach"]

LIMB REMEDIES
DISMEMBER ELI
LETS GO TIGERS

New Haven. Why'd it have to be New Haven?

THE 2007 SHOW THAT NEVER WAS

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you'll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

11/17/2007 -- Dartmouth

Leeeeroy Jenkins, it's the Princeton University Band

[Band marches on to Forward while Leachman reads the first joke]

Wow, Dartmouth. You managed to get sued by your own alumni association. What could you possibly have done to provoke this litigation?

Forming a sheep that looks nothing like the picture, the band plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"

[Band forms a sheep, plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"]

Pakistan's leader, Pervez Musharraf is in a bit of a tough spot at the moment. We figured he could use a few tips on how to solidify his failing grasp on the country. As luck would have it, we just happen to have some.

Of course if none of those work, we're pretty sure you and India could come up with something to draw everyone's attention. Forming a a nuclear bomb, the band plays "99 Luftballoons"

[Band forms bomb on the field, plays "99 Luftballoons",then the bomb explodes as the band yells 'boom!']

On behalf of
Student Conductor Matt "Pastries always give consent" Rich,
Head Manager Christina "Doesn't Even Make Sense" Farah,
Drum Major Alan "This nickname does not have anything to do with being too tall-HEY LOOK A BUNNY" Barnes,
and President Greg "Drinking makes me cry" Snyder,
I'm Sam "For the love of god, put it back on!" Leachman, signing off.